L♥VE

"Love is freedom. To look for it by placing yourself in bondage is to separate yourself from it. For the love of God, no longer seek for union in separation, nor freedom in bondage! As you release, so will you be released. " --A Course in Miracles

Happy Valentine's Day to you all! I L♥VE the idea of L♥VE as freedom, I always have. In the meantime, I show my L♥VE through control. :p What's that about? 

But, as a very wise man once said to me, "We are all doing the very best we can in any given moment." 

So, control was the best I could do at the time and today I am trying to do better. I am trying to release and L♥VE and offer freedom to everyone as a gift of L♥VE. I offer it to you. 

Do not place yourself in bondage to L♥VE, nor anyone else you L♥VE. And, when in doubt offer chocolate. 

I L♥VE you - have a fabulous V-day!

NO FEAR

"I will not be afraid of love today." --A Course in Miracles, Lesson 282

Trying Not to Shape My Days

"Try not to shape this day as you believe would benefit you most. For you cannot conceive of all the happiness that comes to you without your planning." 

--From A Course in Miracles 

This quote seems to epitomize my life right now. Every day I get up with an idea of what I (we) are going to do and what is going to happen and I find that I am wrong. Very, very wrong. 

Nothing is going to plan right now. No idea or appointment set in stone. I am left wondering what The Universe is preparing me for.

What I know for sure is that I am taking a crash course in letting go and staying in the moment that I do not remember signing up for. I think I am Acing it for the most part, though not without a lot of study and practice. 

Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I throw out my calendar and when someone asks me what I am doing next Tuesday I will automatically respond by saying, "I have absolutely no idea. How could I possibly know what I am doing next Tuesday? When next Tuesday comes I will let you know."

This is the truth as we live it, but for some reason we don't seem to know it. It's not what we have been told, what we have been taught. It is in fact the opposite. 

We are asked (and ask others) about our futures all the time: What are you doing later? Tomorrow? Next week? Where are you going on vacation next year? What college would you like to attend? When are you getting married? Having children? Etc. 

And for the most part we answer. These are questions we have considered and think we have the answers to. We think we know. We make plans. We make lists. We make reservations. Not considering as we do that we are in no way in charge of what will happen to make these plans unlikely, improbable, impossible even.

I do it all the time. And when I do I behave as if I am carving something in stone, instead of sketching a brief outline of what may, someday, if all the stars align, come to pass. 

So at least until school starts and our days take on a more regular quality I am trying not to shape my days with quick-dry cement, but rather with malleable clay that can be constantly reformed to fit the whims of the Universe in the present moment.

FREEDOM!

"...[A]s we offer freedom, it is given us." 

--A Course in Miracles, Lesson 332

May you offer - and receive - the gift of FREEDOM today!

Three Women

"You can do much...if in a situation calling for help, you think of it this way: I am only here to be truly helpful. I am here to represent Him who sent me. I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He... will direct me. I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me. I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal."   

--A Course in Miracles

Recently I had interactions with three women which healed me, inspired me and helped me on my spiritual journey. Here are their stories:

(All names have been changed to protect the individual's privacy...) 

MERRY: A couple of weeks ago I made a mistake at work. I deposited a check into the wrong member's account. Doh! 

In my defense, this member's name was just one tiny letter different from another member's name and this one letter made the spelling of her name a bit unconventional. Nonetheless, it was a mistake. 

The member, who I'll call Merry, called our Member Service Center to let us know about the mistake and they called me to make the correction. Turns out the very same thing had happened to this member two weeks earlier, also at our branch. Double doh!

I made the correction and picked up the phone to call the member. 

As I did I reflected on how this might go.....I know that these kinds of mistakes (mistakes with our money, our livelihood) can hit people hard and bring up a lot of fear. Having it happen twice in two weeks is bound to make a person scared. So I was prepared. 

I was prepared for frustration. I was prepared for anger. I was even prepared for yelling. What I wasn't prepared for was Merry.

"Oh don't worry honey, it happens all the time!" she laughed. "Even my doctor can't get it straight." (Insert "surgery gone wrong" joke here.) 

We chatted for a few more moments, I apologized again and we hung up. 

In the end it was no big deal, but this conversation has stuck with me. It is a reminder to me that I always have a choice. I can choose to REACT from a place of fear or to RESPOND from a place of love. Merry chose love and I am ever grateful. 

JOY: About a year ago Joy came into the branch to use her new bank account. She had just moved to Seattle and was about to start her residency at a local hospital. From the first moment she came in she was a favorite. She just had a bubbly, friendly energy about her that endeared her to all of us immediately. 

About a month later Joy came in again. It was really slow so she was talking to all of us who were in that day as she made her deposit. 

We asked her how things were going and she told us that she had quit her residency. It turned out that she hated being a doctor and she didn't want to spend the rest of her life doing something she hated, despite the fact that she had trained for years to do this very thing. 

It was a pivotal moment in her life and she shared it with all of us working that day - openly, honestly and, yes, joyfully. She was truly happy and free as she told us about quitting a job she had worked a third of her life to get. 

Over the next ten months or so we saw Joy every couple of weeks.

She was looking for work. She sold her car. She moved in with a friend. She sold her furniture. 

Through it all I never once heard her express doubt or regret about the decision she had made. She never went back on herself with "shoulds" or "if onlys." She stayed the course. Waiting. Hoping. Searching. 

Last weekend Joy came into the branch for the last time. She was in a hurry. The rental car was in the garage. She was just going to drop some checks in the ATM and then be on her way. But that didn't feel right. So she came in. 

She came in to tell us that she was moving out of state to take her dream job with a company that does talks and retreats with some of the biggest spiritual luminaries of our time.

As she told us about her new job she was full of JOY and I was so happy for her. But also for myself. For all of us. Because she is living proof that if you follow your bliss, follow your guidance - even if the road you take to get there might seem crazy to the outside world - you will end up where you were meant to be all along.

RUBY: Last night I drove my son to Toys R Us to get some Pokemon cards. Pokemon is very big in his world right now and he just really NEEDED some new cards last night. So at 8:30 pm we jumped in the car and headed out. 

As pulled out of the parking lot, I got the feeling that someone needed my help. I had no idea who or what was needed, I just had a feeling. 

I turned onto the street adjacent to the mall and there I saw a man yelling at a woman on the street. She crossed over and he followed her, yelling. She crossed over again and he followed her, yelling at her some more. She headed toward a nearby bus stop, but when she got there he started toward her, yelling. 

I wasn't in a good position to turn around - at a busy four-way stop with a green light - so I zoomed through the light, turned around and waited at the now red light to be able to get back to the bus stop. 

Watching as I waited I saw her once again trying to cross the street to get away from him. Looking both ways I ran the red light and pulled up next to her, rolling down my window and asking, "Do you need a ride?" 

She gave me a quick once over, saw my son in the backseat and jumped in. As we sped away he yelled profanities after us. 

We exchanged the basics: Where are you going? What's your name? 

Then moved onto the obvious: She knew him. It was a mess.   

Then to what we had in common: We both had 9 year-old sons. We both had kids into Pokemon. We both kind of liked to play ourselves. 

After that we rode in silence for awhile as I drove her to her mom's house. 

I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel so grateful that I was able to be there for her in that moment. I feel like she was there for me as much as I was there for her.

As we drove to her mother's together, I could really feel the oneness of all mankind. Even as we talked about him I didn't feel judgmental or angry. I could feel his pain and fear as clearly as I could feel hers. 

It was like I could see deeper into a part of the human experience - what we do to each other in the heat of the moment, in the midst of pain and sorrow and fear. 

It was life and I was glad to be a part of it.

The Attack of the Ego

"Would you be hostage to the ego or host to God?" 

--A Course in Miracles

A couple of weeks ago my supervisor let me know that two days a week I would be “in charge of” the ATM at our branch of the credit union. Being “in charge of” the ATM just means processing the deposits made the previous day. It isn’t a particularly interesting or difficult job, but it is something I haven’t done very often and he wants us to take turns doing it so we are all proficient at it.

Since then I have done the ATM exactly once.

Inevitably by the time I arrive in the morning (I am usually the last one to arrive because I have to drop the kids off at school before I head into work) one of my co-workers is already working on it and is not willing to stop. 

For some reason, this is MAKING ME SO MAD.

I know, I know. It's RIDICULOUS.

There is absolutely NO reason to get upset about this and about a million reasons not to, but my ego has decided to go in the other direction on this one. (I am still trying to figure out WHY....)

All I can come up with are the following (best said in a whiney voice):

"Because I am SUPPOSED to."

"Because our supervisor SAID SO."

"Because it’s MY TURN."

None of these responses make ANY sense, especially once you realize that it is a forty-something adult thinking them. 

But that's the whole point of the ego I guess. It doesn't matter WHAT it attaches to, just THAT it attaches, and in the process drives us to see our fellow human beings as outside of ourselves, as separate, as OTHER. 

A little thing like this is as good a teaching tool as any, maybe even a great one, because with the big things it is easy for us to see how and why and where we are getting worked up, but sometimes the little things can irritate and fester and cause disruptions without us even noticing, just because they are so small. 

So I have decided to LET THIS GO. I did a forgiveness worksheet on it and I am going to watch with amusement as my ego tries to make this into something worth getting worked up about. 

And then I am going to REFUSE.

What is love?

"Let me remember love is happiness and nothing else brings joy."

"Grace is acceptance of the love of God within a world of seeming hate and fear."

"...[W]ithout the ego, all would be love."

"What is not love is always fear and nothing else."

"Your confusion of sacrifice and love is so profound that you cannot conceive of love without sacrifice. And it is this that you must look upon: sacrifice is attack, not love."

--A Course in Miracles

A late-breaking post today as I was in the midst of yet another existential crisis and did not get a post written....more on that later in the week. 

Since I really have no idea about anything today I am turning once again to A Course in Miracles to give me some insight. These are some of my favorite ACIM quotes about love. Hope you enjoy them! 

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope your day was filled with lots of love and joy.

Exactly as I am

"Let all things be exactly as they are."

--A Course in Miracles

For the past week I have been trying to go to a "hot yoga" class, but I have yet to make it for one reason or another. Today, my alarm didn't go off.

Thank goodness. 

When I realized that I had already missed class I got up, got on the website for the yoga studio and started to do the routine on my own. 

Oh. My. God. 

It kicked by butt from here to Albuquerque.

Some of them I could hardly do, much less hold for 60 seconds. 

I struggled through the standing poses, exhausted and sweating by the end of the half hour and decided to call it good for today. 

My performance was sloppy and uneven and not at all as graceful as I had imagined. I was thanking my lucky stars that The Universe - or whatever force was at work - had sabotaged my alarm this morning. I am clearly NOT ready to do this for 90 minutes in a room heated to 110 degrees!

So. I am not as strong or as flexible as I remembered myself to be or hoped I was or imagined myself to be. Okay. 

This is disappointing, but as I lay there in Corpse pose "integrating" my work for the morning, I found that I wasn't fighting against it as hard as I might have expected. Having experienced this a few times in my life by now I know what to do. 

Accept. Practice. Improve. Celebrate!

See you tomorrow yoga mat.

Qwest for the Best

"Do not present a false and unworthy picture of yourself to others, and do not accept such a picture of them yourself."

--From A Course in Miracles

A couple of weeks ago a man came into the credit union on a Saturday and walked up to my teller station. I was not having a good day. 

I was still recovering from my write-up and feeling a bit insecure and unsure of myself at work and I had not gotten a good night's sleep so I was very tired. 

I had helped this guy before and he always seemed a bit arrogant to me, but I had never had a particularly negative interaction with him. 

As I did his deposit I asked him how his day was going. His response was, "Obviously better than yours since you're working and I'm not." He said it not with empathy, but with glee. 

The same glee my sons use when talking to each other about something they have that the other one wants. "I got to watch TV and you didn't....I'm going to a birthday party and you aren't....I have enough money to buy a new Lego set and you don't!" 

He couldn't have made it much clearer if he'd thrown in a, "Na-na-na-boo-boo."

I paused - and bristled - for just a moment, then straightened myself up and smiled, continuing to process his transaction, but saying nothing. 

Inside of course I was thinking, ASS-HOLE.

I finished his transaction, handed him his cash and said, with a terse smile, "Have a nice day."

His response? "Thanks, I will. Better than you I'm sure now that I've ruined it for you." Again, with the glee.

That did it. I smiled, a wide, but angry smile and said very clearly, "You didn't ruin my day. If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be here."

I could tell he was stunned as he stammered out, "W-w-ell, that's a really good attitude to have." I nodded, but said nothing more, silently sending him on his way.

When I went home that afternoon I told my husband about the immature ASS-HOLE I had at my station that day. Then I pretty much forgot about it.  

But guess who was back at the credit union and back at my teller station this Saturday? 

As he walked in, he looked in my direction and I could see it in his eyes: he expected me to hate him. He expected me to treat him poorly, with disdain and vengeance. 

In that moment I felt a wave of compassion for him so great that it actually made me smile a big, wide smile. 

I greeted him warmly, "Hi! Come on over."

And what came next was priceless. The surprise in his face at not being hated made him look like a little boy, expecting to get into trouble for breaking his mom's best China, who gets a big hug and an "it's okay" instead.

When I asked him about his day he told me he was taking his kids on a tour of Qwest Field and I said I thought my kids would love that. He fell all over himself, promising two or three times to tell me how it was the next time he came in. 

I was so glad in that moment that I had not presented a false and unworthy picture of myself or accepted a false and unworthy picture of him, but rather looked for - and found - the best in both of us.

"There are no accidents in salvation. Those who are to meet will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship."

A Course in Miracles

"Patience is natural to those who trust."

From A Course in Miracles, of course!

"A teacher of God is anyone who choses to be one. His qualifications consist solely in this: somehow, somewhere he has made a deliberate choice in which he did not see his interests as apart from someone else's."

A Course in Miracles,  from the Manual for Teachers

"Condemn and you are made a prisoner. Forgive and you are free."

A Course in Miracles, Lesson 198

"When you refuse to ask, it is because you believe that asking is taking rather than sharing."

From "A Course in Miracles,"by The Foundation for Inner Peace, p. 197 Text

"Let no despair darken the joy of Christmas, for the time of Christ is meaningless apart from joy. "

From A Course in Miracles by The Foundation for Inner Peace, p. 306T

"Let miracles replace all grievances."

A Course in Miraclesby The Foundation for Inner Peace

"I can be hurt by nothing but my thoughts."

From "A Course in Miracles," by Foundation for Inner Peace, Lesson 281

"An unheard message will not save the world, however mighty be the Voice that speaks, however loving may the message be."

From "A Course in Miracles," by Foundation for Inner Peace, Lesson 123