The Best Gift of Christmas

"It is more blessed to give than to receive." --Acts 20:35 

I have been thinking a lot about this Bible verse this Christmas season, trying to figure out what is TRUE. And I think the truth, for me, is that both are easy and both are hard at different times and for different reasons. Here are some examples from this Christmas.

A week before Christmas I got a call from my brother-in-law. He knew a family, with two small boys, who had to make the choice between paying the rent and buying Christmas presents for their kids. Did we have any toys or books - any small thing - that we were no longer using that he could give to them for Christmas? 

Of course we did. I talked to my kids and told them what was up and they quickly gathered up a few things for these little boys they did not know. I was amazed at how generous they were. They gave away things I didn't think they would and my heart beamed at their willingness to give.

I wrapped and labelled and ribboned the books and toys and handed them off to my brother-in-law on the Friday before Christmas. It felt good to give. 

And it inspired me to help another family I know who is struggling in the same way. We picked out some more presents, I wrapped them up and included a grocery store gift card for a Christmas meal. Again I was amazed at my kids' generosity and willingness to share. 

I was also amazed at this family's ability to receive. And as I gave this gift I thought about how hard that is, especially around the holidays. "To give with graciousness and to receive with gratitude," (from the Unity Offertory Prayer) is tricky. 

We didn't exactly nail it on Christmas morning. 

As a parent I struggle with Christmas as you know. I just never know quite how to handle it. The kids make lists and I try my very best of make sure that they get most of the things they want, knowing that as a kid your purchasing power is very small and this can be frustrating and that Christmas is meant to be a magical time. 

But there are certain things I just cannot, will not, give to my children. Their own computer, their own handheld device, ANOTHER video gaming system, ANOTHER huge Lego set that never gets put together and ends up in pieces in our Lego trundle. These things make my blood boil just thinking about them.

A waste. Too much. Over the top. All of these phrases come to mind when thinking about the kind of Christmas my kids want and many kids in our little part of the world expect. Ugh. It just makes me sick thinking about it. 

And yet...

I know on some level that this is my judgement about it and that it comes in part from my experience of Christmas as a child. My parents were not rich and they were not flashy. They never had the newest thing or bought the trendy car. They were smart and thrifty and practical. All great qualities, but not what you're looking for as a kid on Christmas. 

Still, I can't entirely leave that conditioning behind. 

So even though I always wanted the Easy-Bake Oven or the doll that wets and cries - and felt disappointed because I didn't get them - I just can't bring myself to buy my kids an iTouch when they already have a DS or an Xbox 360 Kinect when we already have a Wii (which we got three years after it was the "thing" and the year the Kinect first came out). 

Which brings us to Christmas morning...

The kids wake up to stockings full of treats and a tree piled high with (some) of their greatest desires and the carnage begins. 

There are ohs and ahs and squeals of delight at first. Until the presents are all opened and the first barrage of, "But wait.... I didn't get ________! Where's my _______?" begins. 

And I lose it. 

But not in the usual way. I didn't yell or scream or begin a long lecture about the kids without presents. I got quiet. I left the room. I started to clean. 

And that scared the shit out of them. 

They started to tell me how much they liked the presents and how great they were and how they were going to use them right away. And I appreciated the effort. But it didn't change the fact that I had disappointed them. Again. I had worked my ass off and tried like hell to make it a great Christmas. And I had failed. Again. 

And that's when the thoughts came into my head about blowing the whole thing up. No more presents. No more gatherings. No more candy and cookies and cocktails. Just us at a homeless shelter. Or on a vacation. Or at home by the fire. 

So I don't know what Christmas is going to look like around our house next year, but I do know that the best gift I got this Christmas was the chance to give to those who couldn't and to watch my kids get into the spirit of that. 

"To give with graciousness and to receive with gratitude." That's what we're going for around here next year. I don't know what it's going to look like or how we are going to pull it off, but at least I know what we're going for. 

Let me know if you have any suggestions on how to get there. And I'd love to hear your holiday stories too, for better or for worse. 

A Year in the Life

“We've hauled some heavy loads, and had our episodes of crazy, like you do. But we've come through...What a year it has been. “ --Erin McGaughn at Seattle Unity

Happy New Year Everyone!

PEACE to YOU

May you find Christmas in your heart AND under your tree this year!

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will not find it under a tree." --Roy L Smith from www.goodreads.com

In Praise of B.M.S.*

"Sex is like pizza. And there's no such thing as bad pizza." --Tom B

My husband and I had some really, really *Bad Married Sex the other day. And it was awesome. 

Let me explain....

It had been awhile and the husband was getting desperate. I was aware of this, but also all too aware of the million things on my holiday "To Do" list and that had been taking precedence for close to two weeks. Two. Weeks.

So even though I was NOT in the mood I knew I had to give it up or suffer the consequences: a moody, grumpy and, for all intents and purposes, useless husband. That was just not going to work around the holidays.

So, sex. 

But let's be honest, I wasn't exactly gagging for it. I was doing my wifely duty - while trying to decide what to get the babysitter for Christmas - and that showed in our performance. It was some of the worst sex we've had to date. 

About halfway through I thought about calling the whole thing off, but we were already undressed and the kids were halfway through a show so I hung in there. 

Still, somehow yin found yang and we both got there in the end. 

The funny thing was, not only did it change his mood, it changed mine. I felt lighter. Calm. Centered. Satisfied. 

I went back to my "To Do" list with a spring in my step, humming a Christmas tune.

I wouldn't agree with Tom 100% - I've had plenty of bad pizza. But even bad pizza has it's advantages.

LEARN IT, LIVE IT, BE IT!

"Do less; enjoy it more." --The Universe

This is another repeat (it seems to be a week of repeats...), but this one bears repeating around this time of the year. 

It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of the holidays - the doing and the going and the shopping - and miss the moments of quiet and ease and bliss. The sacred moments that are also a part of this time of year. 

The first bite of a soft gingerbread cookie. The quiet strains of "What Child is This," playing on the radio. The warmth of a fire. 

I had a minor panic attack this morning when I realized that there was no way I was going to get everything on my "to do" list for today done. NO WAY. 

Ordinarily I would have pushed myself harder when I realized this. Skipped breakfast. Cancelled my lunch plans. Been running like 60 to get the kids on time. But not today. Today this quote sunk in, just a little bit, and I was able to pause. Take a breath. Make a smoothie. Remove two or three things from my list and prioritize the rest. 

I got done what I REALLY needed to do today and I trust that the rest will take care of itself. In the meantime, I was able to enjoy my day more than I imagined was possible.  

And you just never know which it's going to be.

"...[S]ome days are magic; some are mud." --Donn "Murph" Murphy, proprietor of Playa Sonrisa in Xcalak, Mexico 

This quote is a repeat from February 17, 2010, but this weekend at our house seemed perfectly designed for this quote, so I am using it again. 

Both days (Saturday and Sunday) started out the same way - with a blissful family snuggle in our king-sized bed - but that was where the similarities ended.

Saturday had all the hallmarks of a great day: we were getting our tree and decorating our house, we had two holiday parties to go to and the whole day with nothing scheduled to prepare for both. 

However....

Things just didn't go well. The kids were fighting. I was grumpy. My husband was saying and doing the wrong thing at every turn (did I mention I was grumpy?) Everything we did just seemed to go wrong.

The tree was hard to set up, the soup I made for lunch was too hot and didn't taste good. The lights didn't work, the holiday letter my husband wrote made me cringe.

Things got a little better at holiday party #1, although everyone there seemed a bit subdued and out-of-it themselves. A nice time was had, but it wasn't quite as raucous or as light as in past years.  We missed most of party #2 because we got stuck in traffic going to party #1.  Everywhere we looked, it was nothing but MUD.

Still, at the end of the night we had to admit that it wasn't such a bad day after all and that worse things happen at sea....and every day and all the time. 

Sunday, on the other hand, had all the hallmarks of a nightmare day. We had to get the kids up early (after staying out WAY too late at party #2) for church (never an easy task) then take our younger son to his soccer game, get ready to host a family dinner that night and meet the cousins for Santa photos at 5PM. 

The thing is? It all went smoothly. The grumpiness of Saturday was gone. The kids were cooperative and didn't complain about church. They didn't fight about screen time. The house seemed to clean itself and we even got to take a short nap. There was no line to see Santa and we figured out a way to share the cost so that it didn't break the bank. Dinner was lovely and we all got to bed at a reasonable hour. MAGIC at every turn. 

The thing that gets me is that you just never know. You just never know which it's going to be. You can plan the perfect day and work your ass off to make it happen and get nothing but MUD and you can do nothing special and stumble upon MAGIC. 

The only thing to do is to appreciate the magic when it happens and slog through the mud as best you can, knowing that unexpected magic is just around the corner.

Perfect Harmony

I've been swimming lately, instead of running, for exercise because I hurt my foot. It has been really great getting back into the "swim" of things and I find that I crave that time in the water now like I used to crave going for a run. 

In a lot of ways swimming is the perfect exercise: it works the whole body, it's easy on the joints, and the world underneath the water is silent and still in a way the world around us rarely, if ever, is. 

But the facts of swimming at a community pool are these: there are a lot of other people who want to swim too and not everybody swims at the same pace. Sometimes these two things mean that my time in the pool is not always harmonious. At least in my head. 

I find myself thinking a lot about where I am and who is behind me or ahead of me. Am I going too fast? Am I going too slow? I tell myself that a wide range of speeds and abilities is just part of the deal at a community pool, but I often find myself worrying about it, wondering if someone is mad at me for how I am swimming or feeling annoyed at someone else for how fast or slow they are going. 

It wasn't like that yesterday. 

It started out worse. I got to the pool late, after lap swimming had already started, and "my" lane (for medium swimmers) was full. Not just full. Crowded. Three people is a full lane. Four or more and it feels pretty crowded. There were already five people in the lane when I got there. I would make six. 

I looked over at the fast lane. Only two swimmers, but they were FAST fast. That wasn't going to work. So I took the plunge. 

I strapped on my goggles, hopped in the medium lane and started swimming. And somehow it just worked. We were in sync. Stoke, stroke, stroke. Turn. Stroke, stroke, stroke. Turn. Not a bump or a pass or a close call in sight. I could feel the harmony with every stroke. 

This tune came into my head from a 70's Coke Commercial, "I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...." and my heart swelled and a smile came to my lips and I thanked the Universe for this moment of perfect harmony in the midst of a lot of strife and stress and anxiety on the planet. 

There is a lot going wrong out there. Don't forget to notice the "perfect harmony" moments in your life.

Circle Slash Santa Claus

"There's a precise moment when we reject contradiction. This moment of choice is the lie we will live by. What is dearest to us is often dearer to us than the truth."

--Anne Michaels, Fugitive Pieces

I have a confession to make: I hate Santa Claus.

Not the man himself, but the subterfuge, deception and confusion that go along with the myth.

This is the year that my kids have finally realized that there is no Santa Claus. And I am kind of relieved. I never wanted to do Santa in the first place.

From the time my older son was a toddler and first starting to hear about Santa Claus I told my husband that I didn't want to do the whole "Santa thing" because I didn't want to have to tell lies to my child.

I know this is going to push buttons for some people, calling  the perpetuation of the Santa myth "telling lies." I want you to know that I do not judge anyone for doing this, I just didn't want to do it myself.

For one thing, I am a terrible liar. I have about a million "tells." I pause, I look away, I punctuate my speech with "uhs" and "ums." I am sure my face lights up with a big neon sign that says, "LIAR!" I am just not good at telling untruths.

And I have made a right mess of this Santa business.

The first few years I did okay. A big Teddy Bear around year two was well-loved. The Polar Express train set in year four was a big hit. Then things kind of hit the skids.

Three years ago the boys wanted a Wii.

This was 2008. We were living on half of our previous income. We didn't know if my husband was going to have a job come the new year. Business had ground to a halt much earlier than usual and predictions for 2009 were grim.  We just could not afford to buy a Wii.

So I got online and found what I thought was the next best thing: Swing Zone Sports. It had the same games as the Wii (albeit with inferior graphics) and was on sale for $25.

I was so excited. The kids were going to get what they wanted and we didn't have to go into debt to pay for it.

The excitement lasted one day.

The kids were happy when they opened it and played it all day long. It was fun. It worked like the Wii. It was a win-win!

The next day my older son came to me with a confused look on his face, "Mommy, why didn't Santa bring us a real Wii?"

Shit!

My heart sank as I scrambled to come up with a plausible story. "Uh, well, um, huh? I guess-s-s....Santa must have run out. Lots of kids wanted a Wii this year and he must have just not had enough so he brought the next best thing. Swing Zone is fun isn't it?"

"Yes, but....I really wanted a Wii."

Double shit.

I apologized and said something about Santa doing the best he could and we moved on.

The next year things were a bit better for us financially, but we still needed to be careful around the holidays and we had started to fight the video game fight in a big, bad way.

Besides a Wii, of course, both boys really wanted a Nintendo DS. We gave each of them a bad habit challenge: if they broke their bad habit, they got a DS. Our older son met his challenge in 4 weeks, so we had to pony up and we became a DS household.

After about two weeks I was ready to throw that thing in the garbage.

Although it belonged to our older son, both boys got to play it and there were rules about how much time they had and who got to go first and when it could be played, etc. All of which caused more fighting and anger in our household than we had seen in a very long time.

So when Christmas rolled around again, I was not inclined to add another video game system to the mix.

As "luck" would have it, someone had given us an Xbox earlier that year that we had yet to be able to use (it had come with the wrong cables) so we decided that for Christmas this year we would get the Xbox working and get the kids a whole bunch of new games.

It went down pretty much the same way as it had the previous year. The Xbox was really cool for a few days and then the question came, "Mommy, why didn't Santa get us a Wii? I hate Santa. He never gets us what we want."

Triple shit!

I thought about it for a moment and then I decided I had to take one for the team and let Santa off the hook, so I said, "Honey, it's not Santa's fault. I told him not to bring a Wii this year because we already had an Xbox."

The look on his face was priceless. It is the exact look a child gets when told that their parent has gone behind their back to kill their dream. My son ran out of the room, crying and screaming, slammed his bedroom door and threw himself down on this bed to weep.

It cut me to the quick, but there was no backing out now. I had to stick to my story or kill Santa forever.

So I wiped his tears and soothed his hurt and apologized profusely for interfering in his relationship with Santa and we moved on.

Which is why it came as something of a relief when this year, a few weeks before Christmas he came to me and said, "Mom, does Santa really exist?"

I looked at him and I realized that I just did not have one more believable lie in me and I asked him, "Do you really want to know the truth?" And he said, "Yes." So I gave it to him straight.

He said, "I thought so, because we never got what we wanted. And anyway, last year I got out of bed and saw you and dad putting the presents under the tree so you didn't fool me."

This is the story he is telling anyone who will listen, and his younger brother has adopted it as well, since once the news was out there was no stopping it from spreading.

(I did ask them not to ruin it for kids they know who still believe, but I have the feeling that sometimes they just can't help themselves from spreading the word since in elementary school knowledge = power.)

I feel a little bit sad about the end of Santa at our house, although I am not quite sure what I am sad about. Am I sad that they no longer believe? Am I sad because I totally botched it? Or am I sad because I spread the untruth in the first place, against my gut feeling that it was not a good idea?

I am not against magic and wonder. I want my kids to have that and to have it in spades, but I am just not sure the whole Santa myth is the best way to give that to our children. The whole thing seems set up to wound and disappoint.

Most kids are never going to get everything they want so there is disappointment built-in. On top of that we tie the disappointment to their behavior - Santa would have brought you everything you wanted IF YOU WERE GOOD. Even though this is completely irrelevant in most cases. (I don't know of any parents who give presents based on behavior.)

Why not just tell the story of Saint Nicholas and his good deeds, or the birth of Christ and his life of service, and share the spirit of giving with our children in a way that does not commercialize or stigmatize or disappoint?

I am not sure what I am going to do this year. 

Part of me is tempted to hide all of their gifts, pretend not to get them any and then have Santa come through in the clutch with a bevy of gifts. 

Another part of me is tempted to throw in the towel on the whole Santa thing (no Santa photos, no Santa talk, no Santa books) and try and create our own version of Christmas that includes lots of love and a little bit of magic, but no untruths.

In any case, this year the kids are finally getting a Wii. I hope that feels at least a little bit magical (until the fighting starts).

JOY!

"Joy Alone is the Truth."

--The Universe

This is one of my favorite quotes for the holidays (I used it last year as well), maybe because it is such a great reminder for me to put my focus on the joy of the season rather than the stress. 

In that vein (and in the tradition of 3BTs) here are a few things that are bringing me joy this holiday season:

1) Dark chocolate-covered mint Joe-Joes (like Oreos) from Trader Joe's - best cookie EVER and only available October through December;

2) Hearing songs from A Charlie Brown Christmas and Love, Actually on the radio and looking forward to watching both. (Click here to hear my favorite song from Charlie Brown and here to hear my fav from Love, Actually);

3) Shopping from the comfort of my own home and having the presents delivered to my door;

4) Finding the perfect present for those I love and beautifully wrapping it;

5) Making my own holiday cards (and tee shirts too!) with some of my favorite quotes on them at www.zazzle.com.

What is bringing you joy this holiday season?

'Tis the Season

"That which supports life is supported by life...giving and receiving are one and the same."

--David R. Hawkins, MD, PhD, Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior

"Giving and receiving are one and the same." It makes sense when you say it, but not always when you live it.

What about when there is one cereal bowl full of milk left and two kids who need breakfast? Or one laptop and two parents who want to veg out in front of it? How do we give when giving feels like someone losing out?

Another of my favorite quotes about generosity is from Kahlil Gibran. He said, "Generosity is not giving me that which I need more than you do, but it is giving me that which you need more than I do."

Ever since I read this quote, I have been trying to think of a time when I have committed a truly generous act. And while there may have been a few parenting moments that qualify (who can really say for sure if a five-year-old needs a drink of water more than the parent of a five-year-old needs to sleep through the night?) mostly I have to admit that I have not. 

Someday I will.

Until then, here is a story about generosity to kick off the holiday madness (you have to read most of the article to get to the good part). I am not sure it qualifies under the above definition, but it's a great place to start.

Happy Holidays!

http://www.nexttopcreditunionexec.com/blog/tina-hall-from-verity-credit-union-wins-title-in-cues-next-t.html

"Our bodies live off of LIGHT. Now (winter) is not the time to take on big projects. Now is the time to let things die...

Self-introspection is the name of the game now. Follow the seasons - pop a big project in the spring. Reflect in the fall.

Dr. Mark Dunn

"JOY ALONE IS THE TRUTH."

The Universe

"Let no despair darken the joy of Christmas, for the time of Christ is meaningless apart from joy. "

From A Course in Miracles by The Foundation for Inner Peace, p. 306T

"This is the only time you are going to experience this moment. Do you really want to experience it full of angst? [Or anger, fear, regret, etc.?]"

Shauna James Ahearn, from "Gluten-Free Girl"

"Be the change you wish to see in THEM."

Reverend Richard Levy, from a lesson given at Seattle Unity Church, May 2009

"DO LESS; ENJOY IT MORE."

The Universe, one of many lessons from a month of sickness, March 2008

"Let miracles replace all grievances."

A Course in Miraclesby The Foundation for Inner Peace

"...[W]e overestimate how happy we will be on our birthdays, we underestimate how happy we will be on Monday mornings and we make these mundane but erroneous predictions again and again, despite their regular dis-confirmation. Our inability to recall how we really felt is one of the reasons why our wealth of experience so often turns out to be a poverty of riches."

Daniel Gilbert, "Stumbling on Happiness"

"In your fantasies about togetherness, are you unconsciously harboring any unrealistic desires for robotic perfection? If so, are they interfering with your ability to have deep and satisfying relationships with interesting but flawed people?"

Caeriel Crestin's Sign Language in The Seattle Weekly, May 08