NO FEAR

"I will not be afraid of love today." --A Course in Miracles, Lesson 282

BLOCKED

"The only thing blocking you is worry, and fortunately, the angels will relieve you of this stress if you ask for their help." 

--#646 from Angel Numbers 101 by Doreen Virtue 

I have been struggling with a decision this week and it has left me feeling blocked. Blocked from writing mostly, but also from making a decision, from moving forward, from living. 

I have been too busy worrying, and THINKING, and pondering. And even though I have known I am doing it and have reminded myself to STOP, to breathe, the STAY IN THE MOMENT, it has been difficult. 

This despite the fact that I have been getting a lot of guidance and instruction from the Universe. 

The above quote for instance came to me as I was walking to my computer to start my post for today. I woke up with the word "blocked" in my head as the best way to describe what has been going on with me this week, but this was not the original post I had intended to write today so I was confused. Go with the original, or switch to blocked?

I walked into the kitchen, fed the cat and picked up my phone. The time was 6:46. I decided to check in with the angels and see what message they had for me: "The only thing BLOCKING you is worry..."

I guess I am writing about being blocked today. 

And it has been that way all week - the angels sending me messages just when I needed them. 

The thing I have been struggling with is quitting my job. 

I love my job, we need the money right now and quitting feels a little bit like taking an unnecessary leap off of a tall building, except: I am not comfortable with my kids' "free" day care situation for the summer and I can't continue to send them there for the next 8 weeks with a clear conscience. It's just not worth the risk of all the things I imagine might happen. 

But there's more to it than that. I am also wondering if this isn't the Universe telling me, "It's time to move on." And here's why...

While struggling with this decision I have been looking for signs that will point me in the right direction and all of the signs are pointing straight ahead, into some future opportunity I can't quite see right now. 

Last week I checked in with Reverend Sheri Kozdron who has free angel readings on her website angelmessener.net. My reading couldn't have been more clear; the four cards I got were as follows:

Celeste - "A happy move to a new home or place of employment is in the works. This movement will usher in positive new energy."

Serephina - "A happy change or addition is coming to your family."

Ready, Set, Go! - "Now is the perfect moment to dive in and embrace your heart's desire."

Vanessa - "To make your decision, ask yourself, 'Which way brings me closer to my Divine purpose? Which way takes me away from it?'"

As I pondered this last question I had to admit that this job, which I used to feel was a part of my Divine purpose, has felt more and more like "work" lately. I still love it, it is still easy and fits well into our family's life, but my writing is what I really feel is my work in this world right now. It is the thing I have always WANTED to do and, once I started writing about spirituality, has felt like what I am MEANT to do. 

Really it's a great position to be in. I am leaving a job I love to focus more on a job I love. What am I so tied up about? 

It's fear, of course. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of the lack of any guarantees from my "new" career. In my present job I know my hours, I know basically what is expected of me (and I know that I can handle that), I know when I will be paid and how much, and what my benefits are. 

With this new job there are many unknowns and no guarantees. And that, frankly, scares the s**t out of me. This fear is making me feel a little bit paralyzed, a little bit stymied, a little bit blocked this week. 

At least until now. This post seems to have flowed pretty easily so maybe I have turned a corner. The answer, as always, is right there when I need it.

This morning I needed to write and the first sentences of this post were sent to me in my dreams, along with the quote I needed to go with it. 

As I walked to work on that fateful day when I was to give my notice (7/11/11) I checked Angel Numbers 101 to see what message the angels had for me. At the top of the page, right before #711 was this sentence fragment from the previous entry, "the right direction."

I guess that's pretty clear. 

And I guess I have to admit that what's blocking me is ME. So here's what I am going to do: I am going to get out of my own way and let the Universe lead me. I am going to walk my talk because it's what I would tell a friend to do (it's what I would tell YOU to do) and because it's what I believe to be the truth. 

I am being given the opportunity to put my money where my mouth is and I am taking it, baby, all the way to the bank!

It's HOT HOT HOT!

"As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

--Nelson Mandela

A few months ago my husband discovered hot yoga. He picked it up again recently and decided he wanted to go EVERY DAY. So he did. 

This was fine until one day he went to a class late in the day and did not come home for dinner, did not call and did not remember that he was supposed to take one of the boys to an activity that night. 

By the time he got home dinner was cold, our son was late, and I was FURIOUS. 

Now there were lots of reasons I was mad about this:

1) I had run an errand earlier in the day that I just barely had time for, thinking that if worse came to worse, I could ask him to pick up the kids from school at the last minute. Had I known he was not available, I would not have done that;

2) Less than a few weeks earlier I had not gotten dinner on the table in a timely manner and our son was late for the very same activity because of me. At that time I got a lecture about how if we were going to do this particular evening activity, I needed to make sure that the boys were ready to go when it was time;

3) Communication has been an ongoing issue with us. As a male primate my husband needs a certain amount of freedom to come and go as he pleases or he starts to feel caged in. While I understand this, I contest that once you have made a family with someone you owe them a certain amount of communication, especially if you are going to go AWOL for more than a couple of hours. Not asking permission mind you, just LETTING THEM KNOW. It's just common courtesy in my opinion. 

So, needless to say we had quite the "discussion" when my husband got home, covering all of the above and much, much more. 

But when it came right down to it, I had to admit that none of the above was really the issue for me. The truth was: I was jealous. And tired. 

Somehow his going to yoga every day just felt unfair to me. And it felt like the whole weight of the family had been placed on my shoulders, to bear all alone. 

Even though I would not want to go every day (I am just not an "every day" person. Every other day, maybe; a couple of times a week, sure, but there are just very few physical things I want to do EVERY DAY.), I was upset that he was ABLE to. 

He and I have had this discussion a million times before and we always end up at the same place. As the mother in a family there are just certain things you give up that the father in the family will never understand (and I know the same is true in reverse). "Every day" is one of those things for me. 

Even if I wanted to and made a Herculean effort, I am certain that I would not be able to do yoga every day for more than a few days. Inevitably someone would be sick, or have an activity, or a need that pre-empted my "every day" yoga plan. That's just that way it is. 

He doesn't understand this. His opinion is that if I REALLY WANTED IT I could make it happen - with his help, with babysitters - somehow I could make it work. 

I guess I have to concede that this is true, if I were willing to put whatever I was doing ahead of the family, which I just am not. And, aye, there's the rub. 

Whenever my husband starts to do something "every day" I feel like he is putting that thing ahead of us and I start to worry that if he had to choose between that thing and us, he would chose that thing and where would that leave us?

And I start to panic and worry and feel like it's ALL ON ME; and then it's a full-blown fear attack. 

Which is pretty much where I ended up on the night of this fight. So we talked and we fought and we came up with a plan which was that I would go to yoga the next morning and he would stay home with the kids until I got back. 

It didn't really solve the primary issue, but it was a start. 

And, lo and behold, what a start!

Hot yoga is amazing! So hard you think you are going to die, but afterward you feel so....AMAZING. There is no other word for it, you positively GLOW!

As I got up off of my mat to go home and take over for my husband, I felt a surge of love for him so great I could hardly bear it. I wanted to go home and force him to do yoga every day for the rest of his life because I wanted him to feel just like I felt at that moment. 

As I walked out of the yoga studio I saw this Nelson Mandela quote hanging on the wall and I froze. I had just been liberated from my own fear of lack and limitation and I was ready to liberate the world, starting with my husband. 

If you are interested in trying hot yoga, there is a great new studio in Seattle called Yoga to the People. Check it out!

Being the Good Witch

"There are souls in this world which have the gift of finding joy everywhere and of leaving it behind them when they go." 

--Frederick William Faber, from the website of  West Coast Mystic Arts 

The other day I was telling an acquaintance of mine a plan I had in the back of my mind to run the upcoming Seattle Marathon without training, as a kind of meditative endurance exercise. 

[A bit of background, I ran the Seattle Marathon last year. It was my first marathon and I had an absolute blast running it. I ran slow - my time was 5 hours 38 minutes, not even within shouting distance of qualifying for Boston - but steady and finished feeling strong and healthy.] 

Needless to say perhaps, she was not supportive, and immediately unleashed upon me countless reasons why this was NOT a good idea, sure and certain injury the most compelling. I WOULD get hurt, there was no doubt about that. 

As I stood there listening to her an image came into my head of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz and I could feel her cursing me with her long, pointy green finger. I laughed inside at her fear and her need to curse me with it. 

After she left, however, I thought more about it and remembered that just the previous weekend my husband had wanted to do a triathlon without training and I had discouraged him and cursed him with my fear in just the same way. 

As I thought more about it, I remembered countless times when I had been the Wicked Witch of the West to someone's Dorothy, cursing their hopes and dreams with my fears. I had done it to my husband, my sister, my friends, my children, myself. 

Then I remembered the antidote to the Wicked Witch: Glinda the Good Witch. Blond and beautiful, she is hope incarnate. At that moment I decided I want to be the Good Witch, blessing my friends' and family's (and even my acquaintance's) hopes and dreams with light and love and moral support.  

Next time someone comes to me with a hope or a dream, I am going to try and leave my fear behind, wave my magic wand over it, and wish with them.

 

"I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and from within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God -- or a reasonable facsimile."

Chuck Lorre, writer, from Vanity Card #212, The Big Bang Theory: The Complete First Season

"The presence of fear is a sure sign that you are trusting in your own strength. "

Gary Renard, The Disappearance of the Universe: Straight Talk About Illusions, Past Lives, Religion, Sex, Politics, and the Miracles of Forgiveness

"...(I)f you don't go through something hard, it's hard to learn to live without some fear."

Brian Holman, former Seattle Mariner's pitcher whose family had endured a series of trials over the past five years, in the Seattle P-I 12/15/04

"Our fear of death is all the greater when we have not dared to live...Daring to live means daring to die at each moment. But it also means daring to be born—daring to pass through important stages in life where the person you used to be dies, in order to make room for someone with a new view of the world."

Arnaud Desjardins

"No one could ever be unkind or withhold LOVE unless they were first wracked with guilt and fear.'

Ken Wapnick, The Healing Power of Kindness, Vol. 1: Releasing Judgment, p. 9

"Disolve and Destroy your fear of love."

Rumi, painted on the side of an old beater car at Green Lake

"Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes."

bumper sticker

"An unheard message will not save the world, however mighty be the Voice that speaks, however loving may the message be."

From "A Course in Miracles," by Foundation for Inner Peace, Lesson 123

"Honey, this is only a moment, it's not the rest of your life."

Juliana Margulies, quoting her mother, in O magazine, October 2009