Let It Go

 "What are you holding against yourself today? Let it go. Say, 'I forgive MYSELF,' and mean it."  --The Universe

The Sharp Truth of Parenting

"...[P]art of what I’m seeing is that even now, even at age seven, he’s miles beyond my grasp. I can’t impose peace and happiness on him any more than I could impose it on those noisy middle school hallways years ago. He is on his journey, not mine. I’ve always known that. But I’m only just now feeling the sharp truth of it." 

--FloorPie from her blog of the same name

I love this quote, and it makes me want to cry all at the same time. The older our children get, the more they - and their life experiences - are out of our grasp, completely beyond our control.

The thing is, they really always were. 

The more I do this job called parenting the more I feel the truth of Kahlil Gibran's poem, "Your children are not your children, They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself..." and Floorpie's observation that they are on their journey, not mine. 

I can guide and commiserate and offer snacks, but they are pretty much on their own to figure it out and make the best of it. To find happiness and love and what feels to them like success. 

I hope they find it easier than I have (and with better results), but that is not up to me. All I can do is watch and love and feel the sharp truth of it.

Trying Not to Shape My Days

"Try not to shape this day as you believe would benefit you most. For you cannot conceive of all the happiness that comes to you without your planning." 

--From A Course in Miracles 

This quote seems to epitomize my life right now. Every day I get up with an idea of what I (we) are going to do and what is going to happen and I find that I am wrong. Very, very wrong. 

Nothing is going to plan right now. No idea or appointment set in stone. I am left wondering what The Universe is preparing me for.

What I know for sure is that I am taking a crash course in letting go and staying in the moment that I do not remember signing up for. I think I am Acing it for the most part, though not without a lot of study and practice. 

Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I throw out my calendar and when someone asks me what I am doing next Tuesday I will automatically respond by saying, "I have absolutely no idea. How could I possibly know what I am doing next Tuesday? When next Tuesday comes I will let you know."

This is the truth as we live it, but for some reason we don't seem to know it. It's not what we have been told, what we have been taught. It is in fact the opposite. 

We are asked (and ask others) about our futures all the time: What are you doing later? Tomorrow? Next week? Where are you going on vacation next year? What college would you like to attend? When are you getting married? Having children? Etc. 

And for the most part we answer. These are questions we have considered and think we have the answers to. We think we know. We make plans. We make lists. We make reservations. Not considering as we do that we are in no way in charge of what will happen to make these plans unlikely, improbable, impossible even.

I do it all the time. And when I do I behave as if I am carving something in stone, instead of sketching a brief outline of what may, someday, if all the stars align, come to pass. 

So at least until school starts and our days take on a more regular quality I am trying not to shape my days with quick-dry cement, but rather with malleable clay that can be constantly reformed to fit the whims of the Universe in the present moment.

Freaky Friday

"When you're in a body, you just never know what kind of day it's going to be." 

--Gary Renard, The Disappearance of the Universe

Last Friday we were heading out of town to go clamming. I had a long list of things to do before we left and what I thought was JUST ENOUGH time to do them.  

As usual, The Universe had other plans.

This was my list:

• drop the kids off at school
• get shellfish license
• go food shopping
• finish packing
• make pumpkin bread
• get ready for work

And all of this had to happen between 9:00 am and 1:00 pm when I had to work.

Over breakfast that morning my husband suggested that perhaps this list was just a tad ambitious and that maybe, just maybe, I should revise my expectations a bit. Specifically he felt that "make pumpkin bread" needed to be removed.

At first I resisted, I had a PLAN - drop the kids at school, run home and get the car, drive to the sporting goods store near the grocery store and get the shellfish license, do a quick shop (30 minutes was my goal), run home and put the groceries away, make the pumpkin bread and while it's baking finish packing then get ready and leave for work by 12:30 - what could possibly go wrong???

The first part went well, dropped the kids off and then got the car and headed to the sporting goods store. This was where things started to fall apart.

I parked on the street and went to use one of those parking meters that prints you a little sticker to post on your window. The machine was not accepting debit cards. I put my debit card in multiple times and nothing.

I ran back to the car to scavenge for some change, to no avail. Once these machines became standard issue in our area I had stopped collecting change for parking in my car. I rarely keep change in my purse either, but I rummaged around and managed to come up with $.25, just enough for twelve minutes. It would have to do.

Things went smoothly at the sporting goods store until it was time to pay. I couldn't find my debit card. I looked and I looked and I looked, but it was not in my purse.

Had I left it in the machine? But that was impossible, the whole problem was that the machine wouldn't take my debit card. Still, I was convinced I had left it in the broken slot or worse, just dropped in on the ground.

Comforting myself with the fact that going into work later meant I could get it blocked and replaced right away, I pulled out my credit card, paid for the fishing license and ran to the parking machine to look for my debit card. Not there.

I looked in the car and on the ground around the car. Not there.

Finally I decided it must be in my purse so I started going through it systematically and - whew! - there was my debit card tucked in with my cash from when I had been searching for change.

Crisis averted. Time to move on to the next thing. There was still hope for the pumpkin bread at this point, but it was fading fast.

Drove to the store and pulled into the parking lot. There was my friend who works at the store gathering up grocery carts. Stopped to chat for a few minutes, knowing this was further depleting my pumpkin bread making time, but not wanting to give him short shrift because he is always so welcoming whenever he sees me.

Grabbed a cart and headed into the store. And there, walking into the store at the very same moment, was someone I used to know. 

This was not a relationship that had ended well; rather one that ended with harsh words, hurt feelings, and screeching tires.

We looked at each other, looked away, and looked back again.

"You're _______," I said, questioningly.

"You're _______," he replied, knowingly.


We chatted, caught up, I met his kids (they were charming and lovely) and we went our separate ways.

I was a little bit in shock. I had always imagined that one day I would run into this person, despite my having moved away from the town where we knew each other many years ago. I just had a feeling....but still it was startling to have it actually happen, and especially on this day when I was trying to get. Everything. Done.

After that I gave up on the pumpkin bread and just wandered around the store processing this blast from the past.

I was also texting a friend of mine from that time (the friend who I had just gone to Paris with) who was kind enough to share my shock over this unexpected encounter.

As I stepped up to the refrigerator section I heard the "ting" indicating a new text. I looked behind me to make sure no one was waiting and pulled out my phone to take a look.

I started punching out a quick response (less than six words) and all of a sudden I heard someone say, "Move it!"

I turn around to see a middle-aged woman (a little more middle aged that me) standing there reaching for something over my shoulder.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Don't just stand there TEXTING, getting in everyone's way," she replied in a voice so full of hate you would have thought I had just smacked her across the face.

"If you need me to move, all you have to do is ask politely," I responded in a voice purposely full of sweetness and light (the same voice I use when asking my kids to talk politely).

"Politely? When you're standing there TEXTING (every time she said the word 'texting' she made it sound like the F-bomb)? I don't think so."

"I'm still a human being," I said, still being uber-polite.

"No you're NOT," she spat back, "Not if you are standing there TEXTING while other people are trying to shop." And then she shooed me. Made a motion with her hand like you do to a fly or an animal who is about to poop on your rug. 

And that just lit me up.

I was livid. I was screaming obscenities at her and smacking her around the store in my head.

In real life I was frozen, unable to believe that someone would actually talk to another human being in a grocery store that way. With so much hatred, and so little compassion. (Because I fully admit that what I was doing - texting in the refrigerated section - was rude and a little bit selfish, but did she realize I had just run into an ex-boyfriend from a million years ago in the grocery store???).

And then mine kicked in. I didn't even have to do a forgiveness worksheet, I started going through the steps in my head right there in the store.

What happened? Lady was totally rude to me.

How do I feel about it? Enraged. 

What is she mirroring for me? There have been times when I have been rude to people in public when I was really angry or having a bad day. She is me. (Yikes!) 

What am I mirroring for her? Ah-h-h.....This is where it gets interesting. She is shooing me so that must be how she feels people treat her. She feels shooed by life, so she is shooing me. I tried to imagine all of the people who may have shooed her in the past: her mom, her best friend, her teacher, her husband, her boss, her co-workers.....and how bad that must feel.

I decided to forgive her as soon as I could (I was still feeling angry). 

I also called after her,"If that's the way you want to live your life!" It wasn't exactly the high road, but I hoped it was on the road to the high road. I wanted to convey to her somehow that I didn't condone her behavior, but that I saw her as a person in pain and I wanted things to go better than that for her. I hope she got the message.

Nope, it's not over yet......

I finished up my shopping and was heading to the checkout line and there is my old friend again, come to say good bye.

In a truly bizarre twist of fate he was coming to thank me for breaking up with him and forcing him to deal with his shit. Letting me know how our relationship had affected him in a way that was ultimately positive and that he was grateful for it. 

After the morning I'd had, it was nice to hear.

Letting Go

"Some days the best gift you can give yourself, and the world, is to not try to hold it all and to allow yourself to collapse." 

--Sonya Renee, at the Seattle Poetry Slam

I saw Sonya Renee perform at the Seattle Poetry Slam a couple of weeks ago. If you do not know who she is and have never seen her perform, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0soC-Dvv1f0. (The sound isn't great, but the poem will blow you away anyway.)

This quote is from a story she told about her dog and its unreliable bowels, but she made the point that it applies to all of us at one time or another. 

A few days later was the yoga incident, wherein I tried to hold it all for our family and found that I just couldn't. 

So now I am trying to ask myself everyday, what can I let go of today as a gift to myself, to my husband, to my kids, to the world? 

What can YOU let go of as a gift to all of us?

The Attack of the Ego

"Would you be hostage to the ego or host to God?" 

--A Course in Miracles

A couple of weeks ago my supervisor let me know that two days a week I would be “in charge of” the ATM at our branch of the credit union. Being “in charge of” the ATM just means processing the deposits made the previous day. It isn’t a particularly interesting or difficult job, but it is something I haven’t done very often and he wants us to take turns doing it so we are all proficient at it.

Since then I have done the ATM exactly once.

Inevitably by the time I arrive in the morning (I am usually the last one to arrive because I have to drop the kids off at school before I head into work) one of my co-workers is already working on it and is not willing to stop. 

For some reason, this is MAKING ME SO MAD.

I know, I know. It's RIDICULOUS.

There is absolutely NO reason to get upset about this and about a million reasons not to, but my ego has decided to go in the other direction on this one. (I am still trying to figure out WHY....)

All I can come up with are the following (best said in a whiney voice):

"Because I am SUPPOSED to."

"Because our supervisor SAID SO."

"Because it’s MY TURN."

None of these responses make ANY sense, especially once you realize that it is a forty-something adult thinking them. 

But that's the whole point of the ego I guess. It doesn't matter WHAT it attaches to, just THAT it attaches, and in the process drives us to see our fellow human beings as outside of ourselves, as separate, as OTHER. 

A little thing like this is as good a teaching tool as any, maybe even a great one, because with the big things it is easy for us to see how and why and where we are getting worked up, but sometimes the little things can irritate and fester and cause disruptions without us even noticing, just because they are so small. 

So I have decided to LET THIS GO. I did a forgiveness worksheet on it and I am going to watch with amusement as my ego tries to make this into something worth getting worked up about. 

And then I am going to REFUSE.

Dark Days

"Our bodies live off of LIGHT. Now (winter) is not the time to take on big projects. Now is the time to let things die."

--Dr Mark Dunn

I have a confession to make.  I have always hated this time of year.

It is dark. It is cold. The holidays are coming.....

Another confession. I hate the holidays. Or at least I did.....

For me, this time of year is very uncomfortable. The darkness makes time, always a precious commodity in my life these days, even scarcer. The weather means I am always cold and I hate being cold. And the holidays....the holidays mean pressure and stress and spending too much money and way too much time trying really hard to make everyone happy while seemingly making no one happy.....

No wonder everyone is depressed.

Are you noticing this too?

Nearly everyone I know is feeling down or sick or depressed. Things are coming up big for people around me right now and many are feeling overwhelmed.

And I am beginning to wonder if that isn't as it should be. As nature intended.

As this quote says, "...now is the time to die." All around us nature is dormant, sleeping, dying, waiting for spring to come when it will once again "spring" to life.

Perhaps it is the same for us humans. Perhaps we are meant to die, along with the flowers and the leaves and the mosquitoes, to that which no longer serves us.

Every year we start fresh with new resolutions, new plans, a clean slate. We acknowledge this and celebrate it with lists and diets and champagne and fireworks. But what about the death that, according to all the laws of nature, must precede this new life?

Do we acknowledge it at all or are we too busy shopping and baking and stressing to fully experience it? Maybe that is why so many people find themselves feeling sad and depressed at this time of year. A part of them, a part of their life, is dying and there is no room, no ritual, to acknowledge and to celebrate this death.

For me this always manifests itself in my body's desire to be lazy, to gain weight, to sleep in, and to do basically nothing. All of my good habits seem to go by the wayside this time of year: I have stopped doing my morning yoga, I am running much less than I did this summer (and more often than not inside on my treadmill), and I feel like I could eat my body weight in carbs and not be satisfied.

I also feel an underlying sadness that I cannot quite understand. While all around me it feels like everyone is excited and happy and looking forward to the holidays I am full of sadness and dread. 

But as I talk to people I realize that I am not the only one and that perhaps we are all looking at each other through red and green colored glasses, but not really seeing each other.

We are all dying. To who we used to be, to who we thought we'd become in 2010, to the things that no longer serve who we will be in 2011.

So let's take some time this pre-holiday season to mourn and to grieve for what we are leaving behind before we start to plan and anticipate what will come next.

Here's what I am letting go of as 2010 comes to a close:

1) Shifting relationships. Our relationships with others (and with ourselves for that matter) are always shifting and changing; sometimes this is difficult to accept. I need to let go of the relationship that I would like to have with the people in my life, so as to have the relationship that is meant to be.

2) My ideas about what I "should" be doing. I am going to try and stay in the moment with myself and do what feels right in that moment, regardless of what I have "planned" to do or "would like" to get done.

3) Other people's opinions about my life. Whether stated or implied or presumed (by me!).

4) My tendency to "escape" into books, TV, even my own thoughts, when I get overwhelmed. I am going to try and stay with my feelings as they arise, not replace them with manufactured feelings from someone else or my own crazy mind.

5) The idea that the holidays are going to be "perfect" or that anyone in my family or my life is going to act or behave in a certain way that will make it more enjoyable for me. Everyone is going to show up with their "crap" and it is my job as their friend, co-worker, or family member to lovingly accept them for who they are in that moment (without, of course, letting them impose that on me in a way that is unfair or slimy).

That's a start. What are you letting go of this winter? And how do you feel about it?

(NB. This quote is a repeat from last year - 12/30/09. My plan was never to repeat a quote on this blog, however, this quote just seemed to nail what is going on for a lot of people I know right now so I am making an exception. It may not be the last time. There are a lot of great quotes that I did not comment on the first time that I used them so I may be doing this again. Soon. Stay tuned....) 

 

"When you run on the earth and run with the earth, you can run forever."

Tarahumara Indian saying from Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen

"LET GO AND HAVE A NICE DAY - IT MAY BE YOUR LAST ON THIS EARTH."

Unknown

"Feast on your life. "

Derek Wolcott

"When you're in a body, you just never know what kind of day it's going to be."

Gary Renard, The Disappearance of the Universe: Straight Talk About Illusions, Past Lives, Religion, Sex, Politics, and the Miracles of Forgiveness