Trying Not to Shape My Days

"Try not to shape this day as you believe would benefit you most. For you cannot conceive of all the happiness that comes to you without your planning." 

--From A Course in Miracles 

This quote seems to epitomize my life right now. Every day I get up with an idea of what I (we) are going to do and what is going to happen and I find that I am wrong. Very, very wrong. 

Nothing is going to plan right now. No idea or appointment set in stone. I am left wondering what The Universe is preparing me for.

What I know for sure is that I am taking a crash course in letting go and staying in the moment that I do not remember signing up for. I think I am Acing it for the most part, though not without a lot of study and practice. 

Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I throw out my calendar and when someone asks me what I am doing next Tuesday I will automatically respond by saying, "I have absolutely no idea. How could I possibly know what I am doing next Tuesday? When next Tuesday comes I will let you know."

This is the truth as we live it, but for some reason we don't seem to know it. It's not what we have been told, what we have been taught. It is in fact the opposite. 

We are asked (and ask others) about our futures all the time: What are you doing later? Tomorrow? Next week? Where are you going on vacation next year? What college would you like to attend? When are you getting married? Having children? Etc. 

And for the most part we answer. These are questions we have considered and think we have the answers to. We think we know. We make plans. We make lists. We make reservations. Not considering as we do that we are in no way in charge of what will happen to make these plans unlikely, improbable, impossible even.

I do it all the time. And when I do I behave as if I am carving something in stone, instead of sketching a brief outline of what may, someday, if all the stars align, come to pass. 

So at least until school starts and our days take on a more regular quality I am trying not to shape my days with quick-dry cement, but rather with malleable clay that can be constantly reformed to fit the whims of the Universe in the present moment.

The Attack of the Ego

"Would you be hostage to the ego or host to God?" 

--A Course in Miracles

A couple of weeks ago my supervisor let me know that two days a week I would be “in charge of” the ATM at our branch of the credit union. Being “in charge of” the ATM just means processing the deposits made the previous day. It isn’t a particularly interesting or difficult job, but it is something I haven’t done very often and he wants us to take turns doing it so we are all proficient at it.

Since then I have done the ATM exactly once.

Inevitably by the time I arrive in the morning (I am usually the last one to arrive because I have to drop the kids off at school before I head into work) one of my co-workers is already working on it and is not willing to stop. 

For some reason, this is MAKING ME SO MAD.

I know, I know. It's RIDICULOUS.

There is absolutely NO reason to get upset about this and about a million reasons not to, but my ego has decided to go in the other direction on this one. (I am still trying to figure out WHY....)

All I can come up with are the following (best said in a whiney voice):

"Because I am SUPPOSED to."

"Because our supervisor SAID SO."

"Because it’s MY TURN."

None of these responses make ANY sense, especially once you realize that it is a forty-something adult thinking them. 

But that's the whole point of the ego I guess. It doesn't matter WHAT it attaches to, just THAT it attaches, and in the process drives us to see our fellow human beings as outside of ourselves, as separate, as OTHER. 

A little thing like this is as good a teaching tool as any, maybe even a great one, because with the big things it is easy for us to see how and why and where we are getting worked up, but sometimes the little things can irritate and fester and cause disruptions without us even noticing, just because they are so small. 

So I have decided to LET THIS GO. I did a forgiveness worksheet on it and I am going to watch with amusement as my ego tries to make this into something worth getting worked up about. 

And then I am going to REFUSE.

"We think that if we just meditate enough or jog enough or eat the perfect food, everything will be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who is awake, that's death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self-contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn't have any fresh air. There's no room for something to come in and interrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling our experience."

Pema Chodron in her book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

"Move and the way will open."

Zen Proverb from my Wisdom of the East 2010 Mini Desk Calendar

"Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."

Rainer Maria Rilke