2 Years, 5 Months & 1 Day

"Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else."  --Fred Rogers

This will not be easy. For me, certainly; perhaps for some of you, but here goes....This is my last post to the Refrigerator Oracle.

I find it hard to resist adding, for awhile or at least for now, but that is not what I mean. What I mean is that I am done. This blog is done. In some way anyway. Nothing, of course, is ever really done, but it is as done as something can be in this world.

This has been coming for awhile, but I have had a hard time letting go. It has, after all, been 2 years, 5 months, and 1 day in the making. And it has been good. I think it has been good. It has been good for me. It has been great for me. It has been a labor of love for me and a gift of love to me. It has kept me going through some hard times and it has given me a voice in a way I have never had before. It has - in many ways - "made" me a writer.

And now it is time to explore some other ways of being a writer. Some of those are clear to me and others are not, but my guidance is clear on this point.

So I say "Goodbye" and wish you well. Thanks for stopping by. I will miss you.

[BTW....I am still writing - just not as often - over at www.larasimmons.net. You can also find out about writing classes and other projects I am working on. Hope to see you there!]

The Myth of Meditation

"If it weren't for my mind, my meditation would be excellent." --Pema Chodron 

I think when most of us think about meditation we have this idea of a still mind, a quiet body, an idyllic experience. 

The truth, for most of us, is far from this ideal. 

I have had the chance lately to talk to a couple of people about meditation and the basic theme has been "I can't." 

"I can't because my mind won't stay still." 

"I can't because I don't have the time." 

"I can't because I don't know how."

I laugh now when I see a flyer for a "meditation class," despite having taken at least five or six of these myself, and getting a lot out of each one. 

The fact is, no one can teach you how to meditate because meditation is completely different for every person. 

But what it is not - for most of us anyway - is a blissful hour of complete silence and stillness. 

What it is for me is something like this: 

Wake up. Think about all of the things I need to get done today. Start to make a list. Remember my commitment to "meditate first" every morning. Get up and drag my ass to the kitchen. Pour a glass of water. Head into the living room. Queue up my meditation CD (Master Choa Kok Sui chanting OM). Lie down on the couch. (I often meditate lying down, despite learning in at least a couple of my classes that this is "wrong.") Cover myself with blankets and start to breathe deeply. Realize part of my body is sticking out and reorganize my blankets. Take another deep breath. Start to think about all of the things I need to do today. Think about the TV show I watched last night. Wonder if the main character is going to figure out that she has really blown it this time. Realize I am not meditating. Take a drink of water. Rearrange my blanket. Take another deep breath. 

You get the idea. 

This goes on for 45 minutes to an hour - sometimes a lot less - and then I get up and start to make breakfast for the kids. 

Maybe I felt complete bliss and the total love of the Universe and everything in it for a couple of minutes, maybe not. Usually I come away with at least three or four great ideas, many of which never see the light of day, but some that do. 

The thing is it doesn't matter - not in the least - HOW it all goes. Just that it goes. 

Last week I missed a day. By the end of the day I was so grumpy and angry and out of sorts that I sent myself to bed without any supper - to meditate. When I woke up the next morning, I headed for my spot without hesitation.

It doesn't matter WHAT you do or HOW you do it or WHERE or WHEN or even HOW MUCH you do - a good friend of mine does "just" ten minutes a day and finds that even this small practice makes a big difference in her life - it doesn't matter how it goes or even how you feel during your meditation. 

All that matters is THAT you do it. That you sit - preferably every day - and breathe and connect with that part of yourself that knows itself to be One with everything. However that looks for you and however it works for you. 

So don't get caught up in the myth of meditation, when you could be living the reality of its benefits, NOW.

Happy Leap Day!

"Liz Lemon: 'I'm about to do something crazy.'
Her boyfriend Chris: 'You should! Real life is for March.'"
--From the 30 Rock episode "Leap Day"

Happy Leap day ya'll. I'm recovering from the flu (:p) and working hard on a blog entry for Verity Credit Union (click here to view), but I just LOVE the idea of a "leap day" so I wanted to write something about it.

“Leap and the net will appear.” (John Burroughs, American Naturalist and Essayist) has always been one of my favorite quotes. It's what we do all day every day. We wake up, trusting that the earth will still be spinning on its axis. We take a step, trusting that gravity is still the law of our land. We step outside, trusting that the air we breathe will fill our lungs with oxygen and sustain us for another day.

Every day is a leap of faith, but today is an extra special day. An extra day. “A day to do the things you wouldn't ordinarily do. A day to take chances.” (also from the 30 Rock episode “Leap Day”)

The other day I read an article about doing something different every day. Just to shake things up, to knock yourself out of your comfort zone, to take a leap of faith. I love this idea and I am going to try it, starting today. 

I have the idea to do it for a year, but perhaps I'll start with a month and see how it goes. I don't think this is going to be easy for me, but who knows? 

So Happy Leap Day to you! Now go out and TAKE A FLYING LEAP. The net WILL appear! 

[Leap Day Update: My "thing" for the day is to use my left hand instead of my right. For writing, for mousing, for brushing my teeth....whenever I remember for whatever I can. What's yours?]

The Misery and Joy of a Staycation

"Misery and joy have the same shape in this world: You may call the rose an open heart or a broken heart." --Rumi 

My kids are off of school this week and my husband is home too, taking some vacation time so we can work around the house.

The week got off to a great start. We were all just so happy and in sync and the first couple of days were full of joy. 

Yesterday afternoon, however, the tide turned. 

My husband reminded me that he did have some work to do this week and it triggered something old and angry inside of me. I was miserable and I could not rest until everyone around me was miserable as well. 

This morning, I succeeded. 

"Where do we go from here?" I found myself wailing inside as I tried to imagine what came next. 

And what I got was similar to this quote from Rumi. "Just do what comes next. What you were going to do anyway. Do it with a heavy heart and it will gradually get lighter." 

Don't let misery stop you in other words. Misery is just another name for joy. And if you step forward in misery, you just might find joy again.

Loving What IS

"The problem, if you love it, is as beautiful as the sunset." --Jiddu Krishnamurti

L♥VE

"Love is freedom. To look for it by placing yourself in bondage is to separate yourself from it. For the love of God, no longer seek for union in separation, nor freedom in bondage! As you release, so will you be released. " --A Course in Miracles

Happy Valentine's Day to you all! I L♥VE the idea of L♥VE as freedom, I always have. In the meantime, I show my L♥VE through control. :p What's that about? 

But, as a very wise man once said to me, "We are all doing the very best we can in any given moment." 

So, control was the best I could do at the time and today I am trying to do better. I am trying to release and L♥VE and offer freedom to everyone as a gift of L♥VE. I offer it to you. 

Do not place yourself in bondage to L♥VE, nor anyone else you L♥VE. And, when in doubt offer chocolate. 

I L♥VE you - have a fabulous V-day!

Shooting Stars

"Thinking with our brains is like shooting blanks now, whereby thinking with our hearts will be like shooting stars." --Lauren G Gorgo in her energy alert from January 10, 2012 

I love getting the latest scoop on what is going on energetically in the world and I love it even more when it affirms my experience or my own intuition. More and more these days I find myself second-guessing what I am thinking in my head. 

For me this is revolutionary. I have been a "thinker" all of my life. Thoughts spinning and churning all day - and sometimes all night - long. Plotting, planning, figuring, designing....It's exhausting! 

And the great news is - I don't have to do it anymore! 

The time for thinking with our heads is over. It's our hearts that are leading the way now and thinking with my heart is so much less work than thinking with my head. A LOT less exhausting, a lot more clear and a lot more full of LOVE and KINDNESS and BLESSINGS and BLISS and all good things than my head ever was. 

It truly does feel like I'm shooting stars!

Pick the Flowers

"Pick the flowers, despite the thorns." --Grace Waters, Intuitive Bodyworker 

I had a session with Grace this week. 

Grace means "gift of God" and oh boy is she! She says that bodies talk to her and I believe her. Mine certainly does. 

Today it told her that I needed some Saguaro Cactus flower essence to help me deal with some of the people in my life. She said that people can be prickly and rather than avoid them I can, "Pick the flowers, despite the thorns." 

In other words, enjoy what is beautiful and avoid getting stung by those things which are not. I thought this was beautiful advice and I am going to try and look for the beautiful flowers on the prickly people I encounter from now on. 

Life's Not Fair! (And that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be....)

"...[B]y wanting things to be fair, you are depriving people of their lessons." --LD

I was complaining to a friend the other day about something that was patently unfair and this is what she said to me, "Justice is a big issue for you, but by wanting things to be fair, you are depriving people of their lessons." And, BOING! My whole life flashed before me.

"That's not fair!" was my almost constant refrain as a child (just ask my parents) and it infuriated me to no end when they would answer matter-of-factly "Life's not fair."

I would like to think that as I have grown up I have grown in my understanding of the world and that I would have fully realized by now that the world isn't fair. 

And to be fair (ha, ha) to myself, I think I have. Some people have money; some people don't. Some people have good health; some people don't. To a large extent these "facts" of our lives are determined by the choices we make, but there is a good deal of luck and chance and privilege (or lack thereof) that determines how "fair" our lot in life is. I get that now and have (mostly) accepted it. 

What still gets me is when people act blatantly unfair towards other people. 

But the thing is, I don't get to be the ultimate authority on what is fair behavior and what is not. So even if I think someone is being really unfair, I don't get to decide that that is so. 

AND, even if I did, changing an unfair situation into a fair one by sheer force of my will would be depriving someone of a life lesson. And that's not fair!

Sniff Out the Joy

"Keep your nose to the joy trail." --Buffy Saint-Marie

My parents didn't have a lot of music, but The Best of Buffy Saint-Marie was in heavy rotation around our house in the 70's. "Cripple Creek" was my favorite song and it still makes me feel like I am six years old and being mesmerized by this strange (in a good way...) woman's voice coming out of the speakers. 

This quote from Buffy comes via my sister in our column for this week. May you sniff out - and find - YOUR joy today!

Ahead of Her Time

"We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be." --Jane Austen from "Mansfield Park"

Let It Go

 "What are you holding against yourself today? Let it go. Say, 'I forgive MYSELF,' and mean it."  --The Universe

It's ALL for Our Learning!

"Anything that annoys you is for teaching you patience.
Anyone who abandons you is for teaching you how to stand on your own two feet.
Anything that angers you is for teaching you forgiveness and compassion.
Anything that has power over you is for teaching you how to take your power back.
Anything you hate is for teaching you unconditional love.
Anything you fear is for teaching you courage to overcome your fear.
Anything you can’t control is for teaching you how to let go and trust the Universe.”--Jackson Kiddard from www.bheretoday.com

The long-term evolution of my healthy self-sufficiency (Whew! That's a mouthful!)

"...[T]his is a critical moment in the long-term evolution of  your healthy self-sufficiency. For both your own sake and the sake of the people you love, you must find a way to shrink your urge to make them responsible for your well-being." --Rob Brezsny from my Free Will Astrology horoscope for this week

For a Monday Morning

"Once in awhile what you do for work is also what you do for love. And when that happens? It's heaven." Toni Colette as "Tara" in "The United States of Tara"

May you find the joy in your work today and every day.

It Ain't Over Til It's Okay

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." --Sasha Kemble, quoting her friend Lisa on the Verity Credit Union blog

This quote comes from one of my favorite writers on my credit union blog Verity Voices and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote. 

It reminds me of a movie I watched tonight called, "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill." If you haven't seen this documentary about wild parrots in San Francisco, I highly recommend it. There is one storyline, about a parrot named Connor that perfectly illustrates this quote. 

Conner is a blue-headed parrot and, as such, doesn't really fit into the flock of red-headed parrots, but he tolerates them and they more or less tolerate him (although he does not have a mate, which is a bit sad). 

He is a quiet bird and brave, he doesn't cower as easily or get as excited when the hawks are flying around. But towards the end of the film Conner is believed to be scooped up and killed by one of the hawks. It is a sad ending for a bird so quietly brave, but the story doesn't end there (because it's not okay). 

In the special features there is a follow-up interview with a woman who found Connor on her patio that night - intact - and buried him in her garden among the flowers and amidst her other animals. She surmises that one of the ravens that also inhabit the area must of chased the hawk away and that he dropped Connor as he flew away.

So not only do we get to know "the rest of the story" about Connor, but he received a proper burial and is thought about and his grave cared for by the woman who found him. The End. 


[BTW...If you are still with a BIG BANK and want to switch to a credit union during Move Your Money Month in March, you couldn't do better than Verity Credit Union!]

Enjoy Every One!

“...[L]ife was a gift...one of those things about getting older was knowing that so many moments weren't just moment, they were gifts.” --Elizabeth Strout from her book, "Olive Kitteridge"

Take the Banana

"If you say, 'No' to this do you know how many other things you are saying 'No' to?" --Philip McClusky, quoting a friend in his video, "Overcoming the Poverty Mentality"

On Saturday morning I went for a swim as I usually do except that I forgot to grab a banana on my way out the door. Doh!  

I knew I would be hungry after my swim, but I was running late so I took off, thinking I could just grab a smoothie after my swim.

In the locker room I ran into my neighbor who also swims on Saturday mornings. We went in, did our workout and finished up at almost exactly the same time.

As we rinsed off and got dressed, we chatted, and she said, "I am always so hungry afterwards. Sometimes I feel like I might pass out."

I said, "Me too. I usually eat a banana before swimming, but I forgot this morning so I am starving."

She then pulled a banana from her bag, peeled it, and offered me a piece.

Which I, of course, refused. 

And which, of course, puzzled her. I could see it in her look, "Why would she refuse to take a piece of my banana when she just said she wished she had a banana?"

Why? Because it's what I do. It's one of my things. An "area of growth" you might call it. I almost always say 'No' when someone offers me something I want.

I need to repeat that so even I can hear how crazy it sounds: "I almost always say, 'No,' when someone offers me something I want."  

So, yes, I know how crazy it sounds, but I didn't really know until I listened to this video called "Overcoming the Poverty Mentality," on New Earth Daily. 

As I listened, I recognized far more of myself than I would like to admit, especially the part about being open to receiving. I am not open to receiving for the most part. Not gifts, not money, not complements, not even a piece of a banana. 

As I thought about this - and meditated on this quote from the video - my throat tightened, my chest felt heavy and I felt sad. 

And I knew without a doubt that I have some work to do in this area. To open myself to receiving and to accept the gifts the Universe sends to me through others with grace and with gratitude. To take the banana.  

Because if I'm saying 'No,' to the banana I am sure there are countless other things I am also saying 'No' to that I am not even aware of.  

[BTW, Dear Soul Sisters was recently featured on this same website, New Earth Daily. Click here to see our first dose of Daily Inspiration!]

NO FEAR

"I will not be afraid of love today." --A Course in Miracles, Lesson 282

Trying to Find Love in a Bottle

"Having obscene amounts of money, power and status is just one kind of success. (And often a rather boring one at that.) Far more intriguing are the triumphs that come from outwitting ones own shadowy behavior and unconscious habits...." --Rob Brezsny from Free Will Astrology

Saturday afternoon found me sitting by the fire, reading a book and drinking a glass of red wine. This sounds lovely I am sure except....I can't drink anymore.
 
I never really could. I have always been a lightweight, tipsy after two drinks, drunk after three or four and completely useless the next day, but lately (since I had kids, stopped being so unconscious, started meditating) I just have no tolerance for alcohol. 

Half a drink and I feel tipsy and completely hungover the next day. I guess this would be okay except gone are the days when I could spend a whole day recovering. 

I have breakfasts to make and laundry to do and books to read and boo-boos to bandage and fights to referee and playdates to arrange.....you get the idea. No rest for the wicked and all that. 

So I have quit drinking, for the most part. You don't have to hit me over the head. Someone up there (glance Heaven-ward) doesn't want me to drink. Okay, I get it already. 

The thing is, sometimes I just WANT to. I just want to be able to have a glass or two of wine, kick back and relax my mind. For as long as I can remember my mind has been like a hamster wheel, always spinning. Spinning tales of fear and judgement, of worry and anxiety, of shyness and social anxiety, of not measuring up, not being good enough, not being liked, not saying the right thing, not looking the right way.

I know these are, for the most part, tales of untruth. I am pretty lucky actually and can fit in most places I go. I can talk to most people. But inside my head it is a mess of what is wrong, what could go wrong, what other people might think is wrong. 

A glass or two of wine totally takes care of that. Whoosh! All gone. In its place is a fuzzy little ocean of love. That's right. LOVE. Pure unadulterated love in a bottle. 

It's soft and warm (or sometimes slightly chilled), tastes good and goes down smooth, leaving a path of calm in its wake. It feels so good to forget for a little while all the stuff that is in my brain.

But it is not without cost and lately the cost is getting higher and higher.

On Saturday I hadn't finished my first half a glass (I drank two half glasses instead of one full glass to make it last) before I started to feel hungover. Lethargic, headachey, a little bit nauseated. Blech!

I was so disappointed. My fantasy had failed me again. All I wanted was one afternoon by the fire with a glass of red and a fuzzy head. Was that too much to ask? 

Apparently so. 

The thing is, I want to drink AND I don't want to drink. Sometimes I do. But mostly I don't. Most of the time that is okay. Most of the time not drinking works for me. But sometimes the fantasy (the fuzzy little ocean of love) gets in my head and I just want to put on some fancy clothes, some high-ish heeled shoes and go out with the girls for a few glasses of wine. 

I feel like somehow I am being denied something that is my birthright. It is so engrained in our culture. A cocktail, Happy Hour, a glass of wine with dinner, a coffee drink to finish the night....

What I realized during this last "binge" (if you can call it that) is that what I am really searching for is the same thing I am searching for when I sit down to meditate. A feeling of complete and total love and acceptance. 

When I have had a glass of wine I feel like everything is as it should be. I am perfect and so is everyone else. It is complete love and acceptance for things as they are. It is LOVE. 

But it's a false love. 

Real love comes from inside. From that deep place inside that is hidden underneath all of the pain and guilt and shame and fear. In the center of our beings. The center that somehow gets revealed to us through drinking and drugs and, oh yeah, through meditation, without all the yucky side effects. 

So I am back on the wagon. It feels strange to say. I have never been endangered by my love of alcohol. Have never gotten a DUI or lost a job or even a friend because of my drinking. It has never led to any really unsafe situations or caused me serious problems, but I don't know if I can say that for others. When I am hungover I am much more likely to yell at my kids. To scream at my husband. To hate my life. 

I am much more likely to rail against things as they are and to want them to be as they appear under the influence of alcohol - perfect.   

That, of course, is impossible and furthermore, an illusion, even under the influence of a glass of red. Maybe especially under the influence of a glass of red. 

The world as seen through a glass of wine is soft and fuzzy, like the world through a pair of old glasses that no longer corrects your vision. You don't see clearly. Everything is blurry and you can convince yourself it is perfect, which may be why the world under the influence of a hangover is so hard to take. It is sharp and clear and painful. 

That same world, however, can be made soft and warm not by what you drink, but by how you see. Seeing the world through the eyes of love, instead of the eyes of judgement and hate, can give you that same soft fuzzy feeling, that same feeling of love. Without the bottle. 

It's not as easy, but it comes without a price. One that seems to be getting higher and higher every day.