Friday, June 10, 2011


"Make small changes, see where they take you, repeat." 

--Carolyn Hax 

This week I realized that I need to make some changes in my life. That I have fallen away from my path in small ways that are adding up to big problems.

Here's what I know for sure:

I do better when I go to sleep before 10:00 at night.

I do better when I do not consume alcohol.

I do better when I am exercising consistently, especially running.

Here's what I have been doing lately:

Staying up late, watching episodes of Life.

Consuming alcohol because it is offered, available, expected, even though it makes me feel sick and depressed.

Doing yoga, but not running or doing anything to get my heart really pumping.

Here's how I know:

As soon as I come home from work, school, running errands, all I want to do is plop down on the couch and cue up an episode. I would rather do that than talk to my husband, engage with my kids, or take care of business around the house. It is an overwhelming feeling of "just" NEEDING a hit of Charlie.

After I consume alcohol, even just one glass, the next day I feel sad, depressed, and angry. I hate my life and feel like things will never get better. If I have more than one glass I feel physically ill, nauseated, sweaty, weak. Why would I do this to myself? Just to have a good time? Can't I have a good time without making myself sick?

My clothes are getting tight, my arms are getting flabby and when I sit down I have a bit of a "muffin top" these days. Also, I can feel the flab on my body and it just doesn't feel good to me.

So here are the changes I am making:

Starting today I am taking a month off from watching TV. Never mind that I am almost done with season two of Life. I need a break from TV!

Taking a year off from consuming alcohol. I did this before, from January 26, 2009 to January 25, 2010, and it was amazing. I felt so healthy, so clear, so present. I learned to have a great time while not drinking and found that I often enjoyed being the only sober person in the room. But as soon as the year was over I went back to my old habits, drinking even though I didn't feel like it, drinking too much (for me this is anything more than one) when I do drink, feeling like complete crap the next day and regretting it.

Getting a fitness plan together that includes cardio and strength training and sticking to it. I want to be a lean, mean health machine by the end of this year. I want to feel good in my body and not weak, flabby and out of breath. I want to feel STRONG and HEALTHY.

One more thing: Meditation. I have stopped "making time" for meditation and I miss it. I miss sitting still and doing nothing but breathing for 20, 40, 60 minutes. And my mind misses it too. I can sense it starting to wind up and spin out of control. I find it harder to let the thoughts go when I do meditate and when I am not meditating they are coming at me a mile a minute and I can't just let....them....go....

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