Resisting Resistance

“What you resist, persists.” --Carl Jung

This quote has been playing in my head for the past few days. I didn't even know where it came from. I am sure I read it in some book or on Twitter at some point in the past few years. It isn't even one I wrote down. (When I went to find it in my quotations database – yes, I am just that geeky – I couldn't find it so I had to turn, gasp!, to the internet.) But I've been playing it like a favorite song in my head this week.

My son is getting better. At least I think he is. He is complaining less about his stomach aches. He is going to school. He is running around more and eating pretty well. He is blaming me for pretty much everything. Have I mentioned the blaming?

I am the pinnacle of all that is wrong with the world right now. I cannot do anything right. If I give him a gift, it is unwanted. If I give him a hug, it is shrugged off. If I make a suggestion, it is rebuffed.

I have tried everything in my mom arsenal. I have tried talking. I have tried asking questions. I have tried doling out consequences. I have tried ignoring. And, yes, I have even tried yelling. All to no avail. I am still to blame for life and everything shitty in it.

It feels like a window into the teenage years.

But this week, this quote has helped me get to a new and different place. A place of not resisting.

When he starts a diatribe about how awful life is and how it is all my fault I do not resist. I don't resist what he is saying; I just listen. I do not resist how he is feeling; I let him feel. I do not resist how I am feeling; I let myself feel.

It's really funny, but I can sense how my not resisting his negative feelings is helping him. I am not sure why. He no longer feels judged? He no longer feels wrong? He feels more free to be himself? But I can feel it working.

And as I think about it, it makes total sense. Life is hard. Bad things happen. Bad feelings come up. As a parent we are so conditioned to keep our children safe. To make them comfortable and happy. To meet their every need and to take care of them. It is hard to realize that as they grow and mature this is no longer our job.

As they grow and mature into pre-teens, teenagers and young adults our job is more to guide than to direct. More to love than to care for. And more to allow than to resist.

My job is changing and I need to change with it. The problems my son is facing and will be facing over the next ten years cannot be fixed with a hug and a band aid. The problems he is facing now are the beginnings of the adult problems he will face for the rest of his life.

If I resist this fact I stunt his growth and I get in his way. If I keep him from feeling the feelings he needs to feel, I keep him from learning the things he need to learn. And that is not my job.

I need to stop resisting the fact that my little boy – my onetime baby – is on his way to somewhere I cannot always go with him. The sooner I do, the better off we'll both be and, hopefully, the closer we will remain. 

Paris Redux

  "There isn't Hell or Heaven, except in our resistance to life."
--Pema Chodron, The Wisdom of No Escape

"Resist NOTHING."
--The Universe to me on April 5, 2011 and April 1, 2005
My trip to Paris was lovely. It was everything I had hoped it would be, and then some, which was a huge relief because my last couple trips to Paris were very disappointing. 
I realized on this trip how very lucky I am that the first few times I went to Paris I went with French friends who showed me a Paris that very few tourists ever get to see. A Paris of openness and hospitality, fraternity and kindness.    But I also realized how much my "solo" travel experiences were due to my resistance of life AS IT IS and not as I would like it to be. 
When I went back to Paris as an au pair I had a vision of what it was going to be like: I was going to learn French easily and instantly, I was going to dress and talk and carry my self like a sophisticated French woman easily and instantly, my French family and I were going to love each other easily and instantly.    When none of these things materialized, I resisted fervently, until I couldn't resist anymore, and I went home. 
When I went back to Paris as a tourist I had a vision of what it was going to be like: Paris was going to welcome me back with open arms and say, "Hey, where have YOU been? We missed you!" I would speak perfect French despite years of neglect and we would have a five-day, movie-quality experience.    When none of these things materialized, I resisted fervently, until I couldn't resist anymore and I ended up crying in the middle of a Parisian square. 
This time I took a different tack. My "plan" was to show up and see what happened (aka "Napoleon's Battle Plan;" see also "Napoleon's Battle Plan."). To see what Paris had to offer me this time and enjoy whatever that was.    It worked like a charm. 
I was able to enjoy the beauty that Paris had to offer: the coffee, the cafes, the food, the wine, the art and the architecture, the easily navigable Metro, the gardens and the language. And I was able NOT to resist the frustrations: the ubiquitous dog shit, the "host" who showed up four hours late not only with no apology, but with an excuse that turned it into our fault, the withering looks from French women who found my American fashion sense (or perceived lack thereof) a personal affront that ruined their day, the sense that (particularly at rush hour) you are always in someone's way, the wait staff that just didn't want to deal with another American tourist butchering the French language. 
Since coming back, I have tried to apply this philosophy to my "real life," with some success. Whatever happens each day, whatever shows up, I just breathe into in and let it be, I don't resist and that seems to make all the difference in the world. 

"We constantly resist not only our grief, but also our wild passion and sexuality, our anger, even our exuberance and joy, repressing their free expression. Big feelings overwhelm us. They can easily upset the fragile equilibrium of our lives. We keep a lid on ourselves til we periodically explode. We don't realize that any deep feeling, pleasureable or painful, can be a wave we surf home into ourselves, into LOVE."

Arjuna Ardagh, "The Translucent Revolution: How People Just Like You are Waking Up and Changing the World"

"If it shouldn't be this way, it wouldn't be this way."

Ajahn Chah, Thai Meditation Master