Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Monkey mind at the Day Spa or, My Write-Up the FINAL Chapter

"The greatest gift we give to anyone is our is dishonorable to expect that others can't handle it."

--My friend CF, in a psychic reading

Last Thursday I had the day off from work and I decided to spend it at a local day spa, soaking in the waters and getting a scrub and pedicure. 

My intention was to devote myself to relaxation and meditation for one whole day. 

However, once I was bathing in the still waters, I found that my mind was on fire with the injustice of my write-up and thoughts and ideas about how to handle the upcoming meeting I had requested with my supervisors about it. 

I just couldn't stop thinking about it, worrying it to death and running through all sorts of scenarios and conversations in my head. My ego had grabbed onto this situation and was hanging on for dear life.

Later that night as I reflected on my day, a part of me was disappointed that I had spent so much of my time at the spa in my monkey mind. But as I looked more deeply into how I felt, I realized the benefit that I had received from all the time spent "worrying" the problem. 

As I looked ahead to my meeting with my supervisors the next day I realized that my primary goal was no longer to defend myself against the accusation of being imperfect or even to have the write-up removed from my record, it was to communicate openly and honestly and WITH LOVE how I was feeling. 

And it was the process of going through all the scenarios in my head at the spa, composing a number of "drafts" of my speech, each one kinder and gentler than the last, that had allowed me to get to the point of asking the question: How could I do it with love?

I really had no idea. I have rarely spoken up for myself with love. I usually stuff my feelings and stuff my feelings and stuff my feelings, until I am so angry that I can't hold it in any longer and I blow. 

What I want to say comes out in a spew of hate and anger that frightens the person on the receiving end and, while it sometimes leads to the outcome I want, often takes longer and costs more in terms of my relationships than I would like.

So, how did it go?

It went great!

My supervisors listened, validated my feelings, and reassured me that overall I was doing a great job and they were really happy with my work. 

I left the conference room with a new-found respect for both them and for myself. I really couldn't ask for much more than that. 

And I owe it all to that monkey in my mind.

1 comment:

  1. Progress toward perfection; incremental...
    'Kam kam, ruz be ruz'-Persian; "Little by little, step by step"...
    joyously persevere, Beautyink