The long-term evolution of my healthy self-sufficiency (Whew! That's a mouthful!)

"...[T]his is a critical moment in the long-term evolution of  your healthy self-sufficiency. For both your own sake and the sake of the people you love, you must find a way to shrink your urge to make them responsible for your well-being." --Rob Brezsny from my Free Will Astrology horoscope for this week

Working on It...

"If you want your children to succeed, show them how to fail. If you want them to be happy, show them how to be sad.        If you want them to be healthy, show them how to be sick.      If you want them to have much, show them how to enjoy little." 

--William Martin from The Parents Tao Te Ching

So easy to say; so hard to do...

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light." --Dumbledore in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"

WHY NOT indeed?

"WHY NOT do what makes you happy?"

--The Universe to me in a meditation

I have been getting a lot of signs lately that it is essential for me to spend time in meditation right now. And I have been doing that and benefiting from it I know. But I had no idea just how much I needed it until this afternoon.

We are going through some stuff right now. (I think most people are as we enter fall and head towards 2012...) My older son isn't feeling well. Our house is a mess. Family members are experiencing hard times, etc., etc.

One of the things that is happening is that my older son has been having stomach aches since this summer. They were sporadic then, but are coming on more and more often lately. Every day in fact. Just in time to go to school.

Every morning I think, "This is it. This is the day he is going to go back to school." I wake him up, set out some clothes, make breakfast....while he just lies there and moans.

We have seen doctors, with the only diagnosis being "stress." We have talked to the school counselor, who suggested breathing exercises, which seemed to help for awhile. We have had some tests. Are thinking about more and are seeing an ND next week. But the thing is, I am just not sure I want him to go back to this school.

For the past four years it has been great and I have loved being a part of this community. Lately though, it just doesn't seem to fit.

There is more pressure in fourth grade. Do well. Be neat. Work hard.

None of those things are bad in and of themselves, but there is a general feeling of pressure, pressure, pressure that makes me uncomfortable. Other parents are telling tales of crying over homework. Anger and frustration at all the work that has to be done each night. Crumpling up papers. Breaking pencils.

They are in FOURTH grade.

Am I the only one who thinks this is excessive?

Obviously I'm not. Almost a year ago I wrote about the movie Race to Nowhere, in which it is documented how stressed out our current performance-based education system is making kids. One of the subjects in the movie is a third grader with stomach aches (!).

As I got ready to go pick up my second grader this afternoon (who is doing great by the way and having a terrific year) I felt overwhelmed at having to deal with going to school, having to talk about how things are going, having to answer the question: Did he go to school today?

So I did the only thing I could think of. I took to the floor with my blankie and my meditation CD and started to breathe.

I only had ten minutes, but after just a few I started to feel better. It's okay. I can do this. It's going to be okay.

The thing is, the real conflict is within myself. A former "good girl" who always followed the rules and learned early on that unless you've lost a limb you go to school, I am really struggling with being in this in between place with my son's attendance.

I am sure the office staff is two seconds away from calling the truant officer to come and arrest me. I am sure the teachers think I am the worst mom in the world and a total wussy slacker who doesn't make her son "buck up" and get back to school.

And the thing is: they may be right.

I don't know if my son is really sick or just trying it on, but just the fact that he is trying it on so hard (if he is) tells me something is wrong. He has always liked school. Loved his friends. And never worked me for a day off when he wasn't legitimately sick. So even if it is "just" stress, that's enough for me. Because it has changed my son into someone that I don't recognize. Someone that scares me.

So I'm lying there meditating, thinking about all of this and about how happy my son is at home and how happy he would be if I decided to home school him, even for a little while.

And then I started to "should" myself about that: Maybe you "should" be tougher on him, maybe he "should" be forced to suck it up, maybe/"should," maybe/"should," maybe/"should."

And THEN, from somewhere deep inside, that still, small voice that knows the truth spoke to me and said, "Why NOT do what makes you happy?"

And THEN I started to laugh. And cry.

Why NOT? Why not let our children be happy? Why not do what feels right instead of forcing them to do what feels wrong? WHY NOT do what makes him happy?

There is so much information out there about what makes a good parent and what makes for a good education and what makes for a successful person, but rarely does it have anything to do with what makes us happy. Yet, at the end of the day (and at the end of our lives) would we rather have been happy or smart? Happy or successful? Happy or a good rule follower?

Life, liberty and the pursuit of HAPPYness. That's what it's all about. That's what it's always been about. What makes you happy? What makes your heart sing? What makes you feel free and alive?

Do that. WHY NOT?


A couple of Post Scripts today:


1) To see a preview of the movie "Race to Nowhere, "click the arrow to view


 

2) Today is my 2nd Blogaversary! Happy Blogaversary to Me! Happy Blogaversary to Me! Happy Blogaversary Dear Refrigerator Oracle! Happy Blogaversary to Me! 

May you have a HAPPY, HAPPY day!

Off the Hook

"Tell everyone you know: 'My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook.' And then demonstrate it. Be happy no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel – and then, you'll love them all because the only reason you don't love them is because you're using them as your excuse not to feel good.” 

--Esther Hicks, from "Ask the Coach" on Facebook 

"Amen, sister!" And a huge "I'm sorry," to all those in my past who I have made responsible for my happiness. 

Maybe it was reading this quote last week that allowed me to make a different choice when we arrived at our friend's cabin last weekend for a couple of days at the beach. 

It was around 8:00 at night and the sun was starting to set. We had bags of clothes, bedding and a cooler full of food to put away. I started to work on getting settled in when my husband said to the kids, "Let's head to the beach!" 

My heart immediately sank, I was going to miss the romp on the beach because I had to put all of this STUFF away. Pout. Then something clicked and I realized, I didn't HAVE to do anything. 

The clothes and bedding could wait, the food was on ice....I COULD go to the beach. 

So I went. And in so doing, let my husband and my sons off the hook for my happiness, which worked out better for all of us. 

Try it this weekend and let me know how it goes!

Live Happy

"Make yourself so happy that when others look at you they become happy too. "  

--Unknown, from a YogiTea tea bag

I just found a great website called Tiny Buddha. It's tagline is "simple wisdom for complex lives" and it is chock full of short articles on how to make your life just a little bit better.

One of my favorites so far is 10 Simple Tips to Live Happy Wild and Free. 

Some of the tips are great: "Talk less and when you do talk, have a noble conversation." I'm gonna try that! "Turn off the TV." Yes! 

Others are not for me: "Take a cold shower." NO. THANK. YOU.

But it got me thinking about how to live happy, wild and free and that's what I love about this site - it got me thinking....

Not every suggestion or every article is going to resonate, but in every one there may be a nugget of gold that you can take and incorporate into your own "10 Ways to Live Happy Wild and Free" list. 

Here are some of mine:

1) Get at least 8 hours of sleep - preferably starting before 10:00 pm - I just do better, look better, feel better and love better when I am well rested. For some reason sleep that starts before 10:00 pm is deeper, dreamier and more delicious than sleep that starts after that.

2) Forgo Alcohol - I am in the midst of another "year without alcohol" experiment and once again I am finding that I LOVE it. I am just happier, healthier and more grounded when I am not drinking. Alcohol lowers my vibration and gets in the way of my ability to be present and patient for my family. 

3) Eat mostly raw - A smoothie for breakfast, a salad for lunch and a small nutritious dinner with "raw bar" snacks in between feed my body the best. Anything else feels heavy and weighs me down. 

4) Exercise regularly - I realized a few years ago that I sleep better, and thus feel better, when I am getting plenty of exercise. Running has always been my exercise of choice, but as I have grown older, I have realized that I need to expand my repertoire to include exercises for flexibility and strength. (The yoga - for flexibility - I LOVE. The push ups and dips for strength I LOATHE, but I do them anyway. Well, most of the time....)

5) Meditate - I would be nowhere without my daily meditation practice. It waxes and wanes as far as time spent and seriousness (sometimes I focus on my breathing for a few minutes before drifting off to sleep at night; other times I get up at the crack of dawn and sit for a full hour doing nothing - THESE are the days!), but I do something almost every day. (One of my staples is a grounding and cleansing meditation called the Violet Flame. If you are interested in learning more about this meditation, get in touch with me and I will send you the version of the Violet Flame that I use.)

It's not a comprehensive list, but I would say these are my "top 5." I hope you find at least one that you can add to your list.  I'd love to know - What are YOURS?

False Gods

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me." 

--Exodus 20:3 (KJV)

It is rare that a quote from the Bible shows up on my fridge, especially one from the Old Testament, but I had a realization this weekend that gives this quote a whole new meaning for me.

My husband and I have an inside joke that the best time in my life was right before I met him. This is in no way a slight on him, my love for him or the gratitude I feel at having him in my life, and yet, in a way, it's absolutely true.

While I have always known that I consider the three months prior to meeting my husband "the happiest time in my life," I had never really asked myself why until this weekend. 

My husband and I were talking about happiness and I mentioned, once again, that this had been the happiest time in my life. "I wonder why?" he asked. And for the first time I really thought about it.

Suddenly it came to me: false gods. 

Da-ding! In an instant I understood this commandment like never before. This wasn't the angry call of a tyrant God demanding all of our loyalty and attention, this was the loving suggestion of a Mother/Father God wanting the best for us.

The time in my life when I was the happiest was the time in which I was making no ONE thing in my life into THE thing in my life. 

I was working a little, playing a little and just generally staying on an even keel. (I honestly don't remember what my relationship with spirituality was at that time in my life.....was I going to church? Sometimes? Once in awhile? Was I even thinking directly about God? I'm not sure...)

Since then I have made many things into false gods: my boyfriend, my fiance', my husband, my house, my children, my running, my television shows, my spirituality, my writing, MY, MY, MY. (When identifying a false god let MY be your guide....)

For a few brief months in my mid-twenties I actually managed to live in the present, but ever since I have been pursuing happiness through the worship of false gods. 

Anytime I think any one thing is going to be the key to happiness, I put too much focus, too much energy, too much HOPE into it. Once I have done that, I can pretty much guarantee that happiness will elude me. Because a "thing" (even in the form of a person you love) can never bring lasting happiness. 

Since having this revelation, I have been struck by the fact that this is not just a tenant of the Christianity I was raised with, but of other "brands" of spirituality as well.

Zen Master Linji put it this way, "If You Meet The Buddha On The Road, Kill Him." If you think you have found the answer, keep searching, you still have a ways to go.  

The other day at yoga, in the midst of a beast of a pose, our teacher gave us this manta, "My happiness is not a goal, it is a byproduct of what I do..." Happiness does not come from WHAT we do, but from HOW we do it. With love, with kindness, with passion, and with compassion, for ourselves and for others. 

Muslim poet and Sufi mystic Rumi said: 

"Out beyond the field of right-doing and wrong-doing
There is a field
I will meet you there." 

I would put it this way:

Out beyond the field of answers (ie. false gods)
There is a field of no answers
I will meet you there.

The Race to Somewhere

"You are a beautiful expression of the possibilities of The Universe."

--Graffiti in the girl's bathroom at The Nova Project

Last week I went with a friend to see the documentary film Race to Nowhere. I had never heard of the movie and had no idea what to expect. I was blown away. 

The film documents what is wrong with the American education system not by putting the focus on our poor and under-performing schools, but by focusing on some of our country's best schools. 

Featuring interviews with kids and educators, the film documents the increasing pressure on our kids to perform and succeed, often at the cost of their childhoods, their happiness, and sometimes even their lives. 

I have to admit it gave me pause - and made me consider homeschooling. 

According to this film, children as young as third grade are feeling overwhelmed by the pressures put on them at school. They are suffering from stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks, and some are even taking their own lives. 

The irony? Kids under this kind of pressure actually do WORSE in school than kids who have more freedom and less pressure.

It made me really glad that we had a "choice day" scheduled for the next day. 

"Choice day" is something we came up with last year when my kids wanted a day off from school, but were not sick. I know that sometimes I just need a day off and figured the kids deserved the same. Since it was a half day the next day, it seemed the perfect opportunity to take a choice day. 

What did we do? A whole lotta nothin'. And by the end of the day, I could see the difference in them, feel the difference in them. They were more relaxed, less intense, happier....

Last year I went for a run with friend who also has a kid in elementary school. Inevitably we started talking about homework and how hard it is sometimes to get our kids to sit down and focus on it, how frustrating this gets for all of us and what we can do about it. 

After sharing our stories and strategies for a few minutes there was a pause in the conversation and then he said, "The bottom line is, I just want my daughter to be happy. If she is happy, I will consider that a success." 

Amen to that my brother. Amen to that. 

But what does happiness mean? 

Does it mean success? Does it mean getting what you want? Does it mean helping others? 

This is the BIG QUESTION that we are all trying to answer for ourselves, but if we have children for them too. 

WHAT IS HAPPINESS? HOW DO WE ACHIEVE IT? HOW DO WE HELP OUR KIDS ACHIEVE IT?

And that is a question that every person, every parent has to answer for themselves. I am just grateful to this movie for reminding me to ask the question.

NB: I saw the movie at The Nova Project, a local alternative school for kids who don't do well in traditional educational settings. The school, while a bit run-down and certainly not "state of the art" in any way, was full of signs (some in the form of graffiti) that this was a place where kids were loved and supported and learning....to be the greatest expression of themselves. In other words, learning how to be happy.

If you would like to see the movie, Race to Nowhere, it is screening twice this week in Seattle at Villa Academy on Tuesday, Nov 2nd and Thursday, November 4th @ 7PM.

Finding Happy

"Finding yourself happy in the place where you are is the best way to know where you're supposed to be." 

--From the Guest Book in the Ladies Room at Thrive

There is a new restaurant in Seattle that I absolutely LOVE. It is called Thrive and the food served there is organic, vegetarian and raw.

Many of you are probably thinking, "Ew!" But you have no idea how wrong you are.

Friday night I had one of the best meals of my life: a Coconutty smoothie (their signature smoothie) and Awaken, a warm grain bowl of steamed Bhutanese red rice and quinoa tossed with marinated kale, avocado, toasted nori, scallions, seasonal veggies, and dressed in their house-made sesame-ginger sauce. They describe it as, "cliff-jumping for your taste buds." I call it the perfect meal.

Tasty and filling, without being too much food, my whole body felt ALIVE after eating. I wanted to eat more, and at the same time I was utterly satisfied in a way I hadn't been by a meal in a very long time - maybe my entire eating life.

As I do, I started to think about how I could make this kind of eating a permanent part of my life and the life of my family. I fantasized about serving my children raw, home-made granola with strawberries and almond milk for breakfast, warm brown rice with heaps of veggies and a special sauce for dinner with homemade raw, date-paste and carob cookies for dessert. We would all be so healthy!

Later that night we went to a movie. I was determined to sip water and eat the date-paste, chocolate and walnut granola bar I had in my purse as a snack, right up until the point where we swung open the doors of the movie theater and I could smell the popcorn.

Popcorn! It's a definite weakness of mine and I didn't pause for even a second to consider the raw, chewy goodness waiting for me in my purse before walking right up to the counter and ordering a large buttered popcorn and a Sprite.

Sitting in the dark movie theater, watching a new Aaron Sorkin project come alive, and eating the warm, buttery kernels one after another was an entirely different kind of bliss, but a kind of bliss just the same.

My body didn't feel as alive after eating the popcorn as after eating the veggies and rice, but on some level, I did. 

Sometimes happiness is a healthy meal, and sometimes it's an unhealthy snack, but hopefully it's always right where you are.

"What's already inside of you is enough."

The Universe

"Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less."

5 Zen Rules for Happiness

"...[W]e overestimate how happy we will be on our birthdays, we underestimate how happy we will be on Monday mornings and we make these mundane but erroneous predictions again and again, despite their regular dis-confirmation. Our inability to recall how we really felt is one of the reasons why our wealth of experience so often turns out to be a poverty of riches."

Daniel Gilbert, "Stumbling on Happiness"