Yeses and Nos

"Yes without No is appeasement, whereas No without Yes is war. Yes without No destroys one’s own satisfaction, whereas No without Yes destroys one’s relationship with others. We need both Yes and No together.  For Yes is the key word of community, No the key word of individuality. Yes is the key word of connection, No the key word of protection. Yes is the key word of peace, No the key word of justice. The great art is to learn to integrate the two—to marry Yes and No. That is the secret to standing up for yourself and what you need without destroying valuable agreements and precious relationships.” --Willam Ury, from "The Power of a Positive No" by Ian Lawton

I got up this morning and went for a swim. At 5:45. AM! I haven't exercised at that time of the day since I was training to run a marathon.

The thing is, I meant to. I planned for it. I had my swim bag all packed, I was wearing my exercise clothes to sleep in, I had the $4.75 in exact change all ready to go...But I wasn't ever really sure I was going to do it until I actually did it. And even then I wasn't sure.

As I got up and got ready I was full of what they call in the self-help industry "negative self talk:" It's going to be cold outside....I'm going to have to scrape the windshield....It's probably going to be cold in the pool too....I'll bet my head will freeze...

But things just kept going my way - for some reason I didn't feel that cold this morning, the windshield wasn't that icy, and I was able to find my winter hat right away - and I actually went swimming!

And the thing is....It was AWESOME. I loved it. I had the best time and I felt great afterward. It brought back all sorts of memories of being on my high school swim team and how it felt to swim and swim and swim and just kind of lose yourself in the water.

As I drove home I realized how often I say NO to myself when I want to say YES. Or when I don't know what I want to say. If I am not sure about something, or haven't done something before, or am not sure what something will be like, I say NO. And then I think about it. And maybe I change the NO to a maybe, and eventually to a YES. But YES is never (well, rarely) my first response.

Which made me wonder? Why not? 

And I think it goes back to this quote. I grew up in a mid-western community where the right to say NO (to protect your individuality) was suspect and not affirmed as a natural human right. So I grew up saying YES a lot when I wanted to say NO. 

When I got to be an adult, I claimed my right to say NO, even when sometimes I wanted to say YES. My YESES and NOS are all sort of mixed up and confused and I am not even sure WHAT I want to say some of the time. YES? NO? YES/NO? MAYBE? 

It is something I am learning as I grow, something I am experimenting with right now as I both claim my right to say NO and allow myself to say YES. As I learn to marry YES and NO within myself.

Saying NO

"...[I]n order to cultivate the experience of yes, you must be able to say no, to speak up calmly for your own convictions...The time to say yes is when both your head and your heart freely say yes." 

--Frank Andrews, PhD from his book The Art and Practice of Loving 

As I continue to make my way through this book, I feel like I am learning and expanding my understanding of love and my capacity to love every day. As I make my way through the nine myths of love (chapter two), I realize that I have been susceptible to nearly all of them. And as I read about saying YES, I realized I had to say no. 

To Burning Man. 

I did not go.

All summer as we talked about and prepared to make this journey, I found myself frustrated and annoyed whenever it was brought up or any time I had to make time for a meeting or read something or do research. I just never seemed to "find the time" to work on Burning Man. 

Excuses, I had those in spades: We had guests staying with us. We were just getting back into the groove after having guests stay with us. More guests were coming; we were getting back into the groove again. 

Finally I had to admit that there was no "just" in this situation except for this one: I just did not want to go. I found all of the necessary props (hats and goggles and costumes oh my!) and preparation (packing everything in plastic bags and bins, stocking up on pedialyte, and buying a survivalist's share of water) more of a pain in the ass than anything and finally I had to admit to myself (and to my husband) that I just did not want to go. 

I have to admit, last week's quote gave me pause. Was I missing out on a chance to say YES to life? 

It wasn't until today when I read this quote that I had the whole picture. What we are saying YES to is LOVE and sometimes that means saying NO to what does not feel like love to us. For many in my Burning Man group these props and preparation are all part of the experience, part of the joy, part of the FUN. 

For me, that was just not the case. And that required my heart to tell my head, very politely and calmly, NO.