The Misery and Joy of a Staycation

"Misery and joy have the same shape in this world: You may call the rose an open heart or a broken heart." --Rumi 

My kids are off of school this week and my husband is home too, taking some vacation time so we can work around the house.

The week got off to a great start. We were all just so happy and in sync and the first couple of days were full of joy. 

Yesterday afternoon, however, the tide turned. 

My husband reminded me that he did have some work to do this week and it triggered something old and angry inside of me. I was miserable and I could not rest until everyone around me was miserable as well. 

This morning, I succeeded. 

"Where do we go from here?" I found myself wailing inside as I tried to imagine what came next. 

And what I got was similar to this quote from Rumi. "Just do what comes next. What you were going to do anyway. Do it with a heavy heart and it will gradually get lighter." 

Don't let misery stop you in other words. Misery is just another name for joy. And if you step forward in misery, you just might find joy again.

Going out to buy some roses...

"Misery and joy have the same shape in this world: You may call the rose an open heart or a broken heart." --Rumi

There is Dung Littering My Stream Bed.

"Its only the surface of the water that's clear
There's mud in the stream, you'll discover;
And when the Demon troubles you to test you
The water will once again become mud-colored.
There is dung littering your stream-bed, my friend,
However pure the stream may appear."

--Rumi, from Daily OM A Year of Rumi

Sometimes the Universe just kicks my f-ing ass with a quote and this is one of those times. I have spent all weekend in turmoil over various issues in my life, my monkey mind working non-stop. 

This morning I got up early, determined to calm it with a hour of silent meditation. 

It worked. I felt centered. Grounded. Clear. Like the clear water of a stream. And, once again, I thought that was going to be the end of the story. 

"Okay, now I am clear," I said to myself. Back on track. In the groove. Good to go. 

And then a kid had to stay home from school and a meeting had to be rescheduled and a lunch had to be cancelled and phone calls had to be made and it was mud and dung everywhere. 

But that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be Rumi says. Or, at least, the way it IS. Whether we like it or not, no matter how pure our stream-bed may appear.

The Only Certain Refuge

"The whole world is racing in the wrong direction
For everyone is terrified of non-existence
That is, in reality, the only certain refuge.
How should we try to win real awareness?
By renouncing all knowing.
How should we look for salvation?
By giving up our personal salvation.
How should we search for real existence?
By giving up our existence.
How should we search for the fruit of the spirit?
By not always greedily stretching out our hands." 

--RUMI, from Daily OM A Year of Rumi

Not much else to say except "I love this one" and "Amen Brother Rumi!" 

Have a great Labor Day weekend.

One Wild Wave

"Only the supremely brave ever admit
How helpless they are in the hands of God!
As for the others, building and decorating their sandcastles 
Look how one wild wave shatters them all." 

--RUMI (from my DailyOM Year of Rumi)

This quote arrived in my inbox on a day in which the wild waves of life were shattering my sandcastles. As I lay amidst the piles of sand that were once my life, I tried to be brave. I tried to start rebuilding,  with no expectation of permanence.

Open My Heart

"Love is not a matter of getting connected. It is a matter of seeing that we already ARE connected within an intricate web of relationships that extends throughout all life. It is a realization of 'no boundary' -- that we are all made of the same stuff, riding through time on the same spaceship, faced with the same problems in the world, the same hopes and fears. It is a connection at the core, that makes irrelevant skin color, age, sex, looks or money." 

--Anodea Judith from Wheels of Life: A User's Guide to the Chakra System 

I am reading about the 4th Chakra this week - the Heart Chakra - trying to learn how to open my heart. 

This has been a life-long process for me. Ever since I was a child I have felt like there is something "wrong" with my heart. I had a heart murmur at birth, but it supposedly went away after a few weeks and has not been an issue since. 

As a child I would watch Guiding Light with my mom. There was a character on the show (also a child) who had a heart problem and was in danger of dying at any moment from a heart attack. I convinced myself that I had the same condition and I was always putting my hand on my heart to make sure it was still beating. 

As a teenager, I felt like I had a hole in my heart. I had the feeling of WANTING boys - wanting them to like me, wanting them to want me - but I never really felt like I loved anyone. The one time I had a chance at true love in high school I pushed that boy away out of the sheer terror of it. It is a regret I carry with me to this day.

As I got older this "heart trouble" manifested itself in physical exercise. I have always been afraid to run too fast, to push too hard. I always keep myself just below - or sometimes far below - what I can really do or accomplish just so my heart won't burst. 

If I do run too fast or push too hard physically my mind starts to shut down and I ache and feel terror until I stop. I have never pushed beyond that place of sheer terror to see what lies on the other side, but I have a feeling that someday I am going to have to in order to get to where I want to go. 

A few years ago I had a dream about a past life that I believe explains a lot about my "heart problems" in this lifetime. 

In the dream I saw myself as a young mother - thin, petite and blonde (the very opposite of what I am in this lifetime) - in a hotel room in Las Vegas being murdered by my much older lover and the father of my child. He stabbed me in the back of the heart and neck, cutting off the love and communication centers, separating me from my son. 

When I think about this dream I feel a tingling in the back of my neck and the center of my back.

A few years ago I did an exercise to discover my soul's mission for this lifetime and this is what I got: "Open My Heart." I think I know why. I think I have started the process. Now I just have to see it through. 

As I do yoga and meditation and breath work and chakra work I am starting to feel something in my heart - an aching, an opening - and it is scary, but I am trying to breathe through it and let love in.

Today, just after I read the passage I quoted, I opened up my email and there was a message from The Universe in the form of my Daily Om from Rumi: 

In the sea of love, I melt like salt
Faith, Doubt - they both dissolve.
A star is opening in my heart

A star is opening in my heart. Yes, I think it is.

Drying in the Sun

"Seizing my life in your hands, you thrashed it clean
On the savage rocks of Eternal Mind.
How its colours bled, until they grew white!
You smile and sit back; I dry in your sun." 

--Rumi, from Daily Om's A Year of Rumi course

This is not the post I was planning to share today, but that one still needs a little ruminating, so I am substituting with a little Rumi.

I have signed up for the Daily Om's course A Year of Rumi and I am really enjoying it. Some of the poems I do not understand AT ALL, while others really speak to me.

Like this one. It feels like what life does to each of us every day and like what it might feel like once our colors bleed out until they turn white and we become enlightened, drying in The Universe's sun.

I look forward to that moment.

The Mystery of the King

"You haven't dared yet lose faith - so how can faith grow in you?
You haven't dared yet risk your heart - so what can you see of reality?
You're obsessed - still! - with the carnal screams of your life.
How do you hope to step into the Mystery of the King?
You are a sea of gnosis hidden in a drop of dew,
You are a whole universe hidden in a sack of blood.
What are all this world's pleasures and joys
That you keep grasping at them to make you alive?
Does the sun borrow light from a mote of dust?
Does Venus look for wine from a cracked jug?"

-- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi 

(Translated by Andrew Harvey from A Year of Rumi)

This quote is a perfect example of why I started this blog. Sometimes a quote just shows up, so perfect, that you want to share it with the world. 

Today, a little Rumi for you. 

I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this poem. Especially the following lines, "You haven't dared yet lose faith - so how can faith grow in you?" and "You're obsessed - still! - with the carnal screams of your life."

I HAVEN'T yet dared to lose faith and I AM obsessed with the carnal screams of my life. It's that tiny little seed of hope inside of me - for a better life, a different life, an easier life - that keeps me trapped in the past, in the future, in the carnal screams of my life. 

I desperately want to step out of the carnal screams and into the present moment, where there is no hope, no fear, just what IS.

"Disolve and Destroy your fear of love."

Rumi, painted on the side of an old beater car at Green Lake