the refrigerator oracle

It Ain't Over Til It's Okay

2012-01-27T22:26:00.000-08:00

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." --Sasha Kemble, quoting her friend Lisa on the Verity Credit Union blog

This quote comes from one of my favorite writers on my credit union blog Verity Voices and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote.

It reminds me of a movie I watched tonight called, "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill." If you haven't seen this documentary about wild parrots in San Francisco, I highly recommend it. There is one storyline, about a parrot named Connor that perfectly illustrates this quote.

Conner is a blue-headed parrot and, as such, doesn't really fit into the flock of red-headed parrots, but he tolerates them and they more or less tolerate him (although he does not have a mate, which is a bit sad).

He is a quiet bird and brave, he doesn't cower as easily or get as excited when the hawks are flying around. But towards the end of the film Conner is believed to be scooped up and killed by one of the hawks. It is a sad ending for a bird so quietly brave, but the story doesn't end there (because it's not okay).

In the special features there is a follow-up interview with a woman who found Connor on her patio that night - intact - and buried him in her garden among the flowers and amidst her other animals. She surmises that one of the ravens that also inhabit the area must of chased the hawk away and that he dropped Connor as he flew away.

So not only do we get to know "the rest of the story" about Connor, but he received a proper burial and is thought about and his grave cared for by the woman who found him. The End.

[BTW...If you are still with a BIG BANK and want to switch to a credit union during Move Your Money Month in March, you couldn't do better than Verity Credit Union!]

Enjoy Every One!

2012-01-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

“...[L]ife was a gift...one of those things about getting older was knowing that so many moments weren't just moment, they were gifts.” --Elizabeth Strout from her book, "Olive Kitteridge"

Take the Banana

2012-01-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

"If you say, 'No' to this do you know how many other things you are saying 'No' to?" --Philip McClusky, quoting a friend in his video, "Overcoming the Poverty Mentality"

On Saturday morning I went for a swim as I usually do except that I forgot to grab a banana on my way out the door. Doh!

I knew I would be hungry after my swim, but I was running late so I took off, thinking I could just grab a smoothie after my swim.

In the locker room I ran into my neighbor who also swims on Saturday mornings. We went in, did our workout and finished up at almost exactly the same time.

As we rinsed off and got dressed, we chatted, and she said, "I am always so hungry afterwards. Sometimes I feel like I might pass out."

I said, "Me too. I usually eat a banana before swimming, but I forgot this morning so I am starving."

She then pulled a banana from her bag, peeled it, and offered me a piece.

Which I, of course, refused.

And which, of course, puzzled her. I could see it in her look, "Why would she refuse to take a piece of my banana when she just said she wished she had a banana?"

Why? Because it's what I do. It's one of my things. An "area of growth" you might call it. I almost always say 'No' when someone offers me something I want.

I need to repeat that so even I can hear how crazy it sounds: "I almost always say, 'No,' when someone offers me something I want."

So, yes, I know how crazy it sounds, but I didn't really know until I listened to this video called "Overcoming the Poverty Mentality," on New Earth Daily.

As I listened, I recognized far more of myself than I would like to admit, especially the part about being open to receiving. I am not open to receiving for the most part. Not gifts, not money, not complements, not even a piece of a banana.

As I thought about this - and meditated on this quote from the video - my throat tightened, my chest felt heavy and I felt sad.

And I knew without a doubt that I have some work to do in this area. To open myself to receiving and to accept the gifts the Universe sends to me through others with grace and with gratitude. To take the banana.

Because if I'm saying 'No,' to the banana I am sure there are countless other things I am also saying 'No' to that I am not even aware of.

[BTW, Dear Soul Sisters was recently featured on this same website, New Earth Daily. Click here to see our first dose of Daily Inspiration!]

NO FEAR

2012-01-23T13:02:00.000-08:00

"I will not be afraid of love today." --A Course in Miracles, Lesson 282

Trying to Find Love in a Bottle

2012-01-20T08:54:00.000-08:00

"Having obscene amounts of money, power and status is just one kind of success. (And often a rather boring one at that.) Far more intriguing are the triumphs that come from outwitting ones own shadowy behavior and unconscious habits...." --Rob Brezsny from Free Will Astrology

Saturday afternoon found me sitting by the fire, reading a book and drinking a glass of red wine. This sounds lovely I am sure except....I can't drink anymore.

I never really could. I have always been a lightweight, tipsy after two drinks, drunk after three or four and completely useless the next day, but lately (since I had kids, stopped being so unconscious, started meditating) I just have no tolerance for alcohol.

Half a drink and I feel tipsy and completely hungover the next day. I guess this would be okay except gone are the days when I could spend a whole day recovering.

I have breakfasts to make and laundry to do and books to read and boo-boos to bandage and fights to referee and playdates to arrange.....you get the idea. No rest for the wicked and all that.

So I have quit drinking, for the most part. You don't have to hit me over the head. Someone up there (glance Heaven-ward) doesn't want me to drink. Okay, I get it already.

The thing is, sometimes I just WANT to. I just want to be able to have a glass or two of wine, kick back and relax my mind. For as long as I can remember my mind has been like a hamster wheel, always spinning. Spinning tales of fear and judgement, of worry and anxiety, of shyness and social anxiety, of not measuring up, not being good enough, not being liked, not saying the right thing, not looking the right way.

I know these are, for the most part, tales of untruth. I am pretty lucky actually and can fit in most places I go. I can talk to most people. But inside my head it is a mess of what is wrong, what could go wrong, what other people might think is wrong.

A glass or two of wine totally takes care of that. Whoosh! All gone. In its place is a fuzzy little ocean of love. That's right. LOVE. Pure unadulterated love in a bottle.

It's soft and warm (or sometimes slightly chilled), tastes good and goes down smooth, leaving a path of calm in its wake. It feels so good to forget for a little while all the stuff that is in my brain.

But it is not without cost and lately the cost is getting higher and higher.

On Saturday I hadn't finished my first half a glass (I drank two half glasses instead of one full glass to make it last) before I started to feel hungover. Lethargic, headachey, a little bit nauseated. Blech!

I was so disappointed. My fantasy had failed me again. All I wanted was one afternoon by the fire with a glass of red and a fuzzy head. Was that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

The thing is, I want to drink AND I don't want to drink. Sometimes I do. But mostly I don't. Most of the time that is okay. Most of the time not drinking works for me. But sometimes the fantasy (the fuzzy little ocean of love) gets in my head and I just want to put on some fancy clothes, some high-ish heeled shoes and go out with the girls for a few glasses of wine.

I feel like somehow I am being denied something that is my birthright. It is so engrained in our culture. A cocktail, Happy Hour, a glass of wine with dinner, a coffee drink to finish the night....

What I realized during this last "binge" (if you can call it that) is that what I am really searching for is the same thing I am searching for when I sit down to meditate. A feeling of complete and total love and acceptance.

When I have had a glass of wine I feel like everything is as it should be. I am perfect and so is everyone else. It is complete love and acceptance for things as they are. It is LOVE.

But it's a false love.

Real love comes from inside. From that deep place inside that is hidden underneath all of the pain and guilt and shame and fear. In the center of our beings. The center that somehow gets revealed to us through drinking and drugs and, oh yeah, through meditation, without all the yucky side effects.

So I am back on the wagon. It feels strange to say. I have never been endangered by my love of alcohol. Have never gotten a DUI or lost a job or even a friend because of my drinking. It has never led to any really unsafe situations or caused me serious problems, but I don't know if I can say that for others. When I am hungover I am much more likely to yell at my kids. To scream at my husband. To hate my life.

I am much more likely to rail against things as they are and to want them to be as they appear under the influence of alcohol - perfect.

That, of course, is impossible and furthermore, an illusion, even under the influence of a glass of red. Maybe especially under the influence of a glass of red.

The world as seen through a glass of wine is soft and fuzzy, like the world through a pair of old glasses that no longer corrects your vision. You don't see clearly. Everything is blurry and you can convince yourself it is perfect, which may be why the world under the influence of a hangover is so hard to take. It is sharp and clear and painful.

That same world, however, can be made soft and warm not by what you drink, but by how you see. Seeing the world through the eyes of love, instead of the eyes of judgement and hate, can give you that same soft fuzzy feeling, that same feeling of love. Without the bottle.

It's not as easy, but it comes without a price. One that seems to be getting higher and higher every day.

The January Blues

2012-01-18T09:16:00.000-08:00

"Our bodies live off of LIGHT. Now (winter) is not the time to take on big projects. Now is the time to let things die. Self- introspection is the name of the game now. Follow the seasons - pop a big project in the spring. Reflect in the fall." --Dr Mark Dunn, ND

I got this quote at a seminar I attended more than four years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I have always felt this, that the whole Christmas/New Years/Holidays with a capital "H" thing was all out of whack. I am feeling it again right now, particularly right now.

January, in our culture, is all about new beginnings, resolutions, making plans and getting going. I don't know if I am the only one, but I am just not feeling it. Never have. Especially after all of the holiday busyness all I want to do right now is SLEEP. Rest. Lie in front of the fire. Read books. Watch TV. Be a total slug. Hibernate.

It is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and I find myself sleeping later and later. Despite wanting - and planning - to get up at 6:00 AM and meditate or go to the pool before the kids wake up, I find myself lying in bed until 8:30 and then having to hop up and hurry them out the door. Even when I go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00 I can sleep until well past 7:00 these days.

Part of me is railing against this. "You need to exercise, you need to meditate, " I tell myself, but my Self does not want to listen. My Self wants to sleep.

As I reflect, I realize that it is this way every year. Every year I find myself swimming up stream, trying to fit a mold that doesn't really work for me, for my biology.

So I am trying to do it differently this year. Trying to let it be. Trying to go with the flow and wait to be ready to "spring" into action. I imagine it will happen sometime around March 22nd.

In the meantime, I am working on a plan for next year. For the holidays and beyond. To celebrate in a way that honors the season and my body. I wonder what that would look like?

Little Bee

2012-01-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

"A billion people are hungry, hundreds of conflicts and wars are ongoing, tens of millions suffer from eradicable diseases, there is always at least one genocide underway somewhere on the planet, more people still live under dictatorships or oppressive regimes than live in free societies, and arms dealers still make more money than farmers. Of course individuals can make a difference, but the fact is that evil has had the whip hand in this world ever since Cain. That doesn't mean we should stop trying to be good, but we shouldn't kid ourselves, either. Evil is not going to be vanquished. Our job is to resist it, and to plant the seeds of further resistance so that goodness never entirely vanishes from the universe. There are degrees of resistance. It starts when you give a dollar to a homeless person and it escalates to the point where people give their lives, as Gandhi did, or Martin Luther King Jr. One person can make a difference by traveling as far along that continuum as they feel able." --Chris Cleave, author of Little Bee, in the author interview in the back of the Simon & Schuster trade paperback edition published in February of 2010

I just finished reading Little Bee, a book about a teenage refugee from Nigeria who is released, without any papers, after two years in a British detention center and has to try and make her way in the Western world. It is both brutal and sweet, devastating and hopeful, unbelievable and unforgettable. It is one of those books that I just can't stop thinking about. Can't stop remembering. Can't stop feeling.

At first I was tempted to run off to Nigeria and see what I could do to help the women and children there who are being killed to fuel our cars. But I knew in my heart that this was impossible and irresponsible to my own family. So I looked around to see what I could do. I could send money, of course, to a charity that works to solve these kinds of issues in Nigeria and other parts of Africa, but that seemed too easy - "just" give some money.

I could get rid of my car and walk everywhere. Or ride my bike. I pictured myself with a bike basket full of groceries pedaling home from our local Trader Joe's. My husband disavowed me of that notion immediately, "I don't want you careening down that busy street with a bike full of groceries. Talk about a recipe for disaster!"

I could sending loving energy to the women and children being tortured and killed. Think about them, remember them, keep them in my heart. Again, this seemed to come up somehow short. How hard is it for me in my safe home with plenty of food and plenty of freedom to send them light and love?

Then I picked the book up again and read the author interview in the back of the book and I found this passage. I felt like it was telling me what to do. Get started. Do what you can. Make a difference by traveling as far along that continuum as you feel able.

In September of last year I made a commitment to give $1 whenever I see a homeless person. After reading this book I made the commitment to walk whenever and wherever I can to cut down on my dependence on the oil for which women and children all over the world are being killed. Twice this week I have gone to get in my car and stopped myself, taking off on foot instead for the store and the bank.

I will continue to look for opportunities to make a difference when and where and how I can. For now what I can do seems small, but someday I may feel able to travel further along the continuum of resistance and hope. Maybe even as far as Nigeria.

This Space Intentionally Left Blank

2012-01-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am taking the day off today. Just me and my pjs and the couch and "The United States of Tara" on Netflix. Hope it's a great one for you!

More on Not Knowing

2012-01-11T10:40:00.000-08:00

‎"...[A]ccept the non-knowing. There’s great power in not knowing, some might say the greatest. It doesn’t mean ignorance, or tuning out, or losing your self-awareness. It simply means finding joy, not anxiety, in life’s inconsistencies and mysteries....." --Anna Pulley

I love the way the Universe works. As I wrote my non-post for Monday (that I actually posted on Tuesday ;) a "real" post about not-knowing came to me. See how that works? Accepting that you don't know actually leads to knowing. And vice versa I am pretty sure.....

Anyway, this weekend we went to the beach with some friends. You know how experts have been saying for years that eventually California is going to fall into the ocean? Well, in parts of Washington State, including where a friend of ours has a cabin, this is actually happening.

They call it Washaway Beach.

As you walk along, you can see bits of cement and rebar, cabinets and port-a-potties, half-full bottles of soda and baby dolls stuck in the sand and houses hanging off the edge of the dunes, just waiting for the next storm to come and wash them away.

It is sad and it is scary and, at the same time, almost a relief.

Somewhere deep inside of all of us is the knowledge that we aren't really in charge. That we aren't in control. That there is something - a force beyond our understanding - that calls the shots in this life. But most of the time we live in denial.

We buy things. We make plans. We build houses. With the expectation that these things will last, that they are set in stone.

But nothing is ever set in stone. Nothing in this life is permanent. There is nothing but not-knowing everywhere we look. And there can be great power in that, if we can simply find the joy in it.

Knowing that I don't know

2012-01-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

"Part of true knowing is knowing that we do not know." --Unknown, from an article entitled, "“Rising Above Sham Spirituality Part 1” from www.thenewcall.org

I don't know what to write today. In fact, it is not even today, it is tomorrow. I am post-dating this post.

I didn't post anything yesterday because I just did not know what to write. I wrote three or four posts, but none of them screamed "Post me!" so I didn't. I just let it go, knowing that something would come.

And yet, here it is tomorrow and I still don't know what I want to write about this week. So I am just trying to be okay with that and I am going to share with you something fabulous that someone else wrote (and recorded).

I heard this story on NPR last Friday about Opal the Octopus who gave birth to 50,000 babies in a den in the Puget Sound near downtown Seattle and it just touched my heart for some reason. I feel sad and happy all at the same time when I think about Opal and her babies and all she gave for them. I hope you will enjoy it too.

Knowing that we don't know is one of the hardest things there is about this human life I think. Maybe writer's block is the Universe's way of teaching me to be more comfortable with that. I am trying to learn. In the meantime, enjoy the story, enjoy the video and enjoying knowing that you don't know. Much love!

Being Open with a Capital O

2012-01-06T08:09:00.000-08:00

"When you make a decision, the Universe moves to support you." --Mary Manin Morrissey

I am not sure choosing the word OPEN as my word for the year was a decision so much as a premonition, but whatever it was the Universe is moving to support me all right.

Part of what I had in mind when choosing the word was being more open to changes in "The Plan." Changes to what I had in mind for that day and for my life. Well, let me tell you, the Universe is moving to support that all right.

It started on the night before New Year's Eve, before I had even chosen the word OPEN (that happened on New Year's Day during my morning meditation). We had plans for New Year's, of course. Dinner with friends, maybe stop by another party after that. We bought champagne and were concocting a "signature cocktail" to bring to the dinner. Phone calls were made. Emails were exchanged. A Plan was in place.

Fast forward to 4:00 AM on New Year's Eve. I am awakened by the click, swish of our bedroom door being opened by someone decidedly NOT trying to be quiet so as not to wake me.

"Mom!"

I grunt and squint at the figure standing beside my bed. It's my younger son, looking pale in the bathroom light.

"I threw up."

"Okay honey. What do you need?"

"I need to come in your bed and I need some water."

"Okay honey."

He lies down. I get up, empty the barf bucket we had the presence of mind of give him when he said his tummy felt funny the night before (we will not be so well prepared when the same virus hits my older son unfortunately), get him some water and head back to bed.

I meet my husband in the hall. He is going to sleep on the couch. Clearly I am on vomit patrol tonight. "Thanks," I say, my voice thick with sarcasm. He gets the point and joins us in the bed for a morning of restless sleep.

The next day we spend deciding if we can go to the party or not. My sister is visiting and can babysit, but should we leave her with sick kids? Are we contagious? Does our son need us to be home with him?

As the day wears on my sister starts to feel unwell and I can feel the wheels coming off the bus of our New Year's Eve plans. It just isn't meant to be. We call and cancel. Everyone is in bed by 10:00 and asleep before 2012 even begins.

Two days later the kids are back to school and I have my week planned out:

Tues: Teach "GET GLOWING for 20-12 and Write YOUR Year" with my sister (who is feeling better and never did throw up thank goodness!)

Wed: Holiday Returns and Grocery Shopping. Get back to exercising.

Thurs: Meeting. Massage. More grocery shopping. More exercise.

Fri: Write. Walk. Pack for a weekend trip.

All goes as planned until Wednesday morning when my younger son once again says he doesn't feel well. He isn't vomiting or running a fever, but he looks pekid and tired. Going back to school the day before was obviously too much for him. So I pack in my day of shopping, move the writing to Wednesday, the shopping to Thursday and all is well.

Thursday morning at 1:00 AM I hear the click, swish again. This time it is my older son.

"Mom, I threw up."

Groan. "Okay, what do you need?"

"I need you to clean it up and I need some water."

"Okay, I'll be right there."

I walk into his room and the first thing I see is a perfectly round puddle of vomit right next to his bed. The next thing I see is the splatter all over everything near his bed. Books, Pokemon cards, pillows and stuffed animals, all splattered with barf.

I stand there for a few seconds trying to figure out how I am going to clean this up without making a bigger mess and getting it all over myself. Finally, inspiration strikes. The pancake flipper.

After getting my son a drink, I head to the kitchen, rummage around in the junk drawer and pull it out. I begin to clean up.

By 2:30 he is asleep and everything is as clean as it is going to get tonight. I wash my hands (for about the tenth time since 1:00 AM) and go back to bed.

In the morning I once again give up on shopping and exercising and spend the day cleaning and taking care of my boy.

By this time I am laughing inside.

OPEN? The Universe seems to be saying to me. You want to be OPEN to new possibilities, new plans, a different way of seeing and being? All righty then, let's do it!

Everyday since then there has been some change, some shift, some upset that I have had to adapt to, weather, come to terms with. And I have to say that I have handled this with aplomb. I have gone with the flow and flowed with the go. I have been OPEN to changes in my day and my plan and my world view.

And what it all comes back to really is all I need to know about being OPEN is that I already am - and have been - I just didn't know it yet.

We all are. The Universe is in charge, not us. Every plan we make is just one possibility for how our day (our life) will unfold. There are untold possibilities of which we are yet unaware.

So stay tuned, because they are coming, just around the bend, or perhaps at 4:00 AM this morning.

Open My Heart (Again)

2012-01-04T16:38:00.000-08:00

"A cry comes from within, 'Open my heart!'"--The Koran

Yesterday I taught a workshop with my Dear Soul Sister, Jennifer Alhasa called "GET GLOWING for 20-12 and Write YOUR Year!" It is an intention-setting workshop designed to help you throw out the old and embrace the new this year.

In the workshop we talked about what it means to GLOW, what are some obstacles to getting your GLOW on and some ways to let your GLOW show. If you would like to do the workshop in your own time and in your own space, click here to go to our website and follow along.

At the end of the workshop we asked each participant to chose a word that summed up what they want to manifest for the year. My word is OPEN.

As in OPEN to the flow of life. OPEN to what shows up. OPEN to a plan different than mine. But also OPEN to the people around me. OPEN to more sharing. OPEN to deeper connections. OPEN to life. OPEN to love.

Over the weekend I had an experience that changed the way I look at the world and the people in it and around me. Someone I thought I needed to keep at bay became a friend over a cup of tea.

It came out of nowhere and it made me realize just how far I still have to go on my journey to enlightenment. How much I still judge and categorize and prejudice myself against others. It was another step on the path and I am grateful for it.

As I looked for a quote to go with this post today I did a search on the word intention and came up with this:

"No intention is ever hatched in consciousness; no plan ever laid there. Intentions are premonitions that flash in the corner of consciousness to indicate what MAY BE about to occur. " --Guy Claxton, "The Wayward Mind" from Zero Limits by Joe Vitale

I think this is absolutely true about the words that we chose together yesterday. I believe that the words that spoke to us in the workshop were premonitions of what is to come for us this year.

But I also believe that they are manifestations of past intentions, set long ago, perhaps even in other lifetimes. I know mine is.

When I searched my quotations database on the word OPEN I found a quote from April 15th 2008. It reads simply: "OPEN MY HEART" and is the "Life Purpose" that was revealed to me through an exercise from Dr Cat's Healing Handbook.

Thus an intention set nearly four years ago is now coming to the fore, to be realized and made manifest in my life this year.

I don't know exactly what this means or how it will look, but I am OPEN to it.

I'd love to know: What is YOUR word for this year?

The Best Gift of Christmas

2012-01-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

"It is more blessed to give than to receive." --Acts 20:35

I have been thinking a lot about this Bible verse this Christmas season, trying to figure out what is TRUE. And I think the truth, for me, is that both are easy and both are hard at different times and for different reasons. Here are some examples from this Christmas.

A week before Christmas I got a call from my brother-in-law. He knew a family, with two small boys, who had to make the choice between paying the rent and buying Christmas presents for their kids. Did we have any toys or books - any small thing - that we were no longer using that he could give to them for Christmas?

Of course we did. I talked to my kids and told them what was up and they quickly gathered up a few things for these little boys they did not know. I was amazed at how generous they were. They gave away things I didn't think they would and my heart beamed at their willingness to give.

I wrapped and labelled and ribboned the books and toys and handed them off to my brother-in-law on the Friday before Christmas. It felt good to give.

And it inspired me to help another family I know who is struggling in the same way. We picked out some more presents, I wrapped them up and included a grocery store gift card for a Christmas meal. Again I was amazed at my kids' generosity and willingness to share.

I was also amazed at this family's ability to receive. And as I gave this gift I thought about how hard that is, especially around the holidays. "To give with graciousness and to receive with gratitude," (from the Unity Offertory Prayer) is tricky.

We didn't exactly nail it on Christmas morning.

As a parent I struggle with Christmas as you know. I just never know quite how to handle it. The kids make lists and I try my very best of make sure that they get most of the things they want, knowing that as a kid your purchasing power is very small and this can be frustrating and that Christmas is meant to be a magical time.

But there are certain things I just cannot, will not, give to my children. Their own computer, their own handheld device, ANOTHER video gaming system, ANOTHER huge Lego set that never gets put together and ends up in pieces in our Lego trundle. These things make my blood boil just thinking about them.

A waste. Too much. Over the top. All of these phrases come to mind when thinking about the kind of Christmas my kids want and many kids in our little part of the world expect. Ugh. It just makes me sick thinking about it.

And yet...

I know on some level that this is my judgement about it and that it comes in part from my experience of Christmas as a child. My parents were not rich and they were not flashy. They never had the newest thing or bought the trendy car. They were smart and thrifty and practical. All great qualities, but not what you're looking for as a kid on Christmas.

Still, I can't entirely leave that conditioning behind.

So even though I always wanted the Easy-Bake Oven or the doll that wets and cries - and felt disappointed because I didn't get them - I just can't bring myself to buy my kids an iTouch when they already have a DS or an Xbox 360 Kinect when we already have a Wii (which we got three years after it was the "thing" and the year the Kinect first came out).

Which brings us to Christmas morning...

The kids wake up to stockings full of treats and a tree piled high with (some) of their greatest desires and the carnage begins.

There are ohs and ahs and squeals of delight at first. Until the presents are all opened and the first barrage of, "But wait.... I didn't get ________! Where's my _______?" begins.

And I lose it.

But not in the usual way. I didn't yell or scream or begin a long lecture about the kids without presents. I got quiet. I left the room. I started to clean.

And that scared the shit out of them.

They started to tell me how much they liked the presents and how great they were and how they were going to use them right away. And I appreciated the effort. But it didn't change the fact that I had disappointed them. Again. I had worked my ass off and tried like hell to make it a great Christmas. And I had failed. Again.

And that's when the thoughts came into my head about blowing the whole thing up. No more presents. No more gatherings. No more candy and cookies and cocktails. Just us at a homeless shelter. Or on a vacation. Or at home by the fire.

So I don't know what Christmas is going to look like around our house next year, but I do know that the best gift I got this Christmas was the chance to give to those who couldn't and to watch my kids get into the spirit of that.

"To give with graciousness and to receive with gratitude." That's what we're going for around here next year. I don't know what it's going to look like or how we are going to pull it off, but at least I know what we're going for.

Let me know if you have any suggestions on how to get there. And I'd love to hear your holiday stories too, for better or for worse.

A Year in the Life

2011-12-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

“We've hauled some heavy loads, and had our episodes of crazy, like you do. But we've come through...What a year it has been. “ --Erin McGaughn at Seattle Unity

Happy New Year Everyone!

A Day of Rest

2011-12-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

"Physiologically we were meant to be restful with periods of activity, not active, active, active, with periods of rest." --Dr Mark Dunn

Today was my birthday and I took the day OFF. Grabbed a sitter and my sister and headed off to do whatever the heck I pleased.

For me this included a few hours at Value Village, a few more at the spa, dinner at Thrive and a little Love Actually.

It was a great day and I highly recommend it to everyone. Create a day this month just for you. Take a break. Do whatever you want. Rest. Relax. Breathe. Have some fun, whatever that means to you. It's good for the soul!

A New Way of Looking at the World

2011-12-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

This video was kind of hard for me to watch at first because it reminded me so much of myself. Of who I was most of the time before I started focusing on spirituality and who I still am in my lowest moments.

If only "compassion glasses" were standard issue for all humanoids. What a wonderful world that would be.

With thanks to Lynnet McKenzie for sharing this with me!

PEACE to YOU

2011-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

May you find Christmas in your heart AND under your tree this year!

2011-12-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will not find it under a tree." --Roy L Smith from www.goodreads.com

In Praise of B.M.S.*

2011-12-21T18:04:00.000-08:00

"Sex is like pizza. And there's no such thing as bad pizza." --Tom B

My husband and I had some really, really *Bad Married Sex the other day. And it was awesome.

Let me explain....

It had been awhile and the husband was getting desperate. I was aware of this, but also all too aware of the million things on my holiday "To Do" list and that had been taking precedence for close to two weeks. Two. Weeks.

So even though I was NOT in the mood I knew I had to give it up or suffer the consequences: a moody, grumpy and, for all intents and purposes, useless husband. That was just not going to work around the holidays.

So, sex.

But let's be honest, I wasn't exactly gagging for it. I was doing my wifely duty - while trying to decide what to get the babysitter for Christmas - and that showed in our performance. It was some of the worst sex we've had to date.

About halfway through I thought about calling the whole thing off, but we were already undressed and the kids were halfway through a show so I hung in there.

Still, somehow yin found yang and we both got there in the end.

The funny thing was, not only did it change his mood, it changed mine. I felt lighter. Calm. Centered. Satisfied.

I went back to my "To Do" list with a spring in my step, humming a Christmas tune.

I wouldn't agree with Tom 100% - I've had plenty of bad pizza. But even bad pizza has it's advantages.

Choose Wisely

2011-12-19T22:30:00.000-08:00

"You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past." --Richard Bach

I lost $250 the other day. Or, at least I thought I did.

I was in charge of teacher gifts for both of my sons' classes this year. A total of three classes, seven teachers and more than $1000. It was a lot of checks and cash and envelopes and forms to keep track of and manage.

The day I went to hand out the gift cards I found I only had six packets, not seven. One was missing. One worth $250.

Crap.

I started to panic. To go down that road of....Oh, great. Just what we need to have to replace $250 worth of gift cards right before the holidays....

And then something clicked or shifted inside of me and I thought: Wait. Maybe the packet is just missing from my order. I should probably check before I freak out.

So I put my freak out on hold and sent an email to the guy in charge of procuring the gift cards. In the meantime I went about my business for the day, not fretting about the missing gift card, knowing all was in Divine Order and would be taken care of.

And a funny thing happened. I started to realize that losing the gift card really wasn't the end of the world. I realized that if having to replace $250 worth of gift cards was the worst thing that happened to me that day I was still pretty lucky. It wasn't a life, it wasn't a limb. I was doing all right.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In the end, of course, I hadn't lost the gift card after all and all was well. But I feel so lucky to have had this opportunity to practice choosing a different future.

LEARN IT, LIVE IT, BE IT!

2011-12-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

"Do less; enjoy it more." --The Universe

This is another repeat (it seems to be a week of repeats...), but this one bears repeating around this time of the year.

It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of the holidays - the doing and the going and the shopping - and miss the moments of quiet and ease and bliss. The sacred moments that are also a part of this time of year.

The first bite of a soft gingerbread cookie. The quiet strains of "What Child is This," playing on the radio. The warmth of a fire.

I had a minor panic attack this morning when I realized that there was no way I was going to get everything on my "to do" list for today done. NO WAY.

Ordinarily I would have pushed myself harder when I realized this. Skipped breakfast. Cancelled my lunch plans. Been running like 60 to get the kids on time. But not today. Today this quote sunk in, just a little bit, and I was able to pause. Take a breath. Make a smoothie. Remove two or three things from my list and prioritize the rest.

I got done what I REALLY needed to do today and I trust that the rest will take care of itself. In the meantime, I was able to enjoy my day more than I imagined was possible.

In Defense of the Attacker

2011-12-14T10:09:00.000-08:00

"Ignorance does not yield to attack, but it dissipates in the light." -- David R. Hawkins, Power Vs Force

On the playground the other day one of the moms I was talking to made a derogatory comment about a kid who was playing nearby.

That kid happened to be a friend of one of my kids. He is a sweetheart - not without his issues, like all of us - but a real sweet kid at his core.

And I didn't say a word.

Partly, I didn't know what to say. What I was thinking was, "What kind of a person (adult) makes fun of a kid? Expletive. Expletive." I couldn't say that, so I said nothing.

Talking it through with my husband later that night I realized what I could have said (should have said?) was something along the lines of: "I know that kid; life is kind of hard for him."

A non-judgemental statement of compassion. Why is that so hard?

It's so hard because I was judging HER for the comment she made instead of recognizing right away that the kind of adult who makes fun of a kid is one who feels pretty darn bad about herself. Who feels like she is a mess. Who is in a lot of pain.

Finding compassion for the attacker is not easy. It's not easy when someone is mean to you certainly, but it's also not easy when you see someone being mean to someone else. Especially someone younger or smaller or less capable of defending themselves.

But the thing is, when someone is being mean, lashing out, trying to hurt someone else, it is almost always because they are trying to avoid feeling the pain inside of themselves. I know this to be true about kids who are bullies, but I believe it is also true of adults (and of all of us at certain times and in certain situations).

Finding compassion for the bully as well as his/her victim, allows us to defend without attacking and ultimately, I believe, to find compassion for those lost and messy and painful pieces of ourselves. And THIS is the groundwork for peace in the world.

And you just never know which it's going to be.

2011-12-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

"...[S]ome days are magic; some are mud." --Donn "Murph" Murphy, proprietor of Playa Sonrisa in Xcalak, Mexico

This quote is a repeat from February 17, 2010, but this weekend at our house seemed perfectly designed for this quote, so I am using it again.

Both days (Saturday and Sunday) started out the same way - with a blissful family snuggle in our king-sized bed - but that was where the similarities ended.

Saturday had all the hallmarks of a great day: we were getting our tree and decorating our house, we had two holiday parties to go to and the whole day with nothing scheduled to prepare for both.

However....

Things just didn't go well. The kids were fighting. I was grumpy. My husband was saying and doing the wrong thing at every turn (did I mention I was grumpy?) Everything we did just seemed to go wrong.

The tree was hard to set up, the soup I made for lunch was too hot and didn't taste good. The lights didn't work, the holiday letter my husband wrote made me cringe.

Things got a little better at holiday party #1, although everyone there seemed a bit subdued and out-of-it themselves. A nice time was had, but it wasn't quite as raucous or as light as in past years. We missed most of party #2 because we got stuck in traffic going to party #1. Everywhere we looked, it was nothing but MUD.

Still, at the end of the night we had to admit that it wasn't such a bad day after all and that worse things happen at sea....and every day and all the time.

Sunday, on the other hand, had all the hallmarks of a nightmare day. We had to get the kids up early (after staying out WAY too late at party #2) for church (never an easy task) then take our younger son to his soccer game, get ready to host a family dinner that night and meet the cousins for Santa photos at 5PM.

The thing is? It all went smoothly. The grumpiness of Saturday was gone. The kids were cooperative and didn't complain about church. They didn't fight about screen time. The house seemed to clean itself and we even got to take a short nap. There was no line to see Santa and we figured out a way to share the cost so that it didn't break the bank. Dinner was lovely and we all got to bed at a reasonable hour. MAGIC at every turn.

The thing that gets me is that you just never know. You just never know which it's going to be. You can plan the perfect day and work your ass off to make it happen and get nothing but MUD and you can do nothing special and stumble upon MAGIC.

The only thing to do is to appreciate the magic when it happens and slog through the mud as best you can, knowing that unexpected magic is just around the corner.

Perfect Harmony

2011-12-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

I've been swimming lately, instead of running, for exercise because I hurt my foot. It has been really great getting back into the "swim" of things and I find that I crave that time in the water now like I used to crave going for a run.

In a lot of ways swimming is the perfect exercise: it works the whole body, it's easy on the joints, and the world underneath the water is silent and still in a way the world around us rarely, if ever, is.

But the facts of swimming at a community pool are these: there are a lot of other people who want to swim too and not everybody swims at the same pace. Sometimes these two things mean that my time in the pool is not always harmonious. At least in my head.

I find myself thinking a lot about where I am and who is behind me or ahead of me. Am I going too fast? Am I going too slow? I tell myself that a wide range of speeds and abilities is just part of the deal at a community pool, but I often find myself worrying about it, wondering if someone is mad at me for how I am swimming or feeling annoyed at someone else for how fast or slow they are going.

It wasn't like that yesterday.

It started out worse. I got to the pool late, after lap swimming had already started, and "my" lane (for medium swimmers) was full. Not just full. Crowded. Three people is a full lane. Four or more and it feels pretty crowded. There were already five people in the lane when I got there. I would make six.

I looked over at the fast lane. Only two swimmers, but they were FAST fast. That wasn't going to work. So I took the plunge.

I strapped on my goggles, hopped in the medium lane and started swimming. And somehow it just worked. We were in sync. Stoke, stroke, stroke. Turn. Stroke, stroke, stroke. Turn. Not a bump or a pass or a close call in sight. I could feel the harmony with every stroke.

This tune came into my head from a 70's Coke Commercial, "I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...." and my heart swelled and a smile came to my lips and I thanked the Universe for this moment of perfect harmony in the midst of a lot of strife and stress and anxiety on the planet.

There is a lot going wrong out there. Don't forget to notice the "perfect harmony" moments in your life.

Enough

2011-12-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

"A word I've come across a lot during the years is 'abundance'. Self-help books encourage us to welcome abundance into our lives. If we think abundant thoughts then abundance will automatically grace us.

The dictionary tells me that abundance is, 'an extremely plentiful or oversufficient quantity or supply.' In these difficult financial times, is it realistic to expect abundance? Do we really need an 'oversufficient quantity'?

I'm coming to feel pretty fond of the word 'enough'. Enough is saving the washing up water and putting it on the roses. It's appreciating every melting moment of a square of bitter chocolate. It's chanting for an extra half hour, even though you're dying for a cup of tea. It's having a terrible morning and then noticing those red berries on a walk to the post-box. Those red berries!" --Fiona Robyn

Another quote (the first one is here) from one of my favorite bloggers, Fiona Robyn. This one feels like something I have wanted to say for YEARS, but have never found just the right way to say it. Fiona did and I am grateful.

Especially right now as I contemplate Christmas and all the gifts I have to? Need to? Want to buy? It makes me wonder.....what is enough?

Is it enough to get my kids a few books? Or do they need the latest gaming system? Is it enough to get my friends a nice card? Or do I need to get them "a little something" to go with it? What is necessary? What is expected? What is enough?

The thing is, of course, that neither I nor my kids nor my husband nor my friends nor any of my close relatives really NEEDS anything. We have everything we need. We have food. We have clothes. We have books and games and amusements galore. We have enough.

What do you get for the person (people) who already has "enough?"

I would love to do a "no gifts" Christmas sometime. Just holiday cheer, appreciation and gratitude for what we already have. Maybe a nice meal together. I think that would be enough for me.

The Beginning of Wisdom

2011-12-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom." --Theodore Rubin from @ReikiAwakening on Twitter

Another gem from Twitter. Just trying to find my kindness in every situation I find myself in this week. It ain't always easy, but hopefully it's the beginning of wisdom :)

4 Angels

2011-12-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

"We are all each others angels and demons." --Ethan Hawke as Jesse in Before Sunrise

According to Stephen Tobolowsky, legendary character actor and writer of one of my favorite podcasts, The Tobolowsky Files, any actor who makes it in Hollywood has had at least four angels who have helped them along the way. This idea got me thinking about my life and some of those people who have been my angels:

My fourth grade teacher, Loah Grabill. She was the consummate elementary school teacher - single, with no kids of her own and had been doing it for years. She didn't take any guff, and at the same time, encouraged our imaginations and gave me freedom in a way no adult in my life had up until that time. She let us sit wherever we wanted in her classroom and arrange our desks however we wanted them. (For a large part of the year a group of us arranged our desks in two circles side-by-side - one for KAOS and one for CONTROL - as we brought a nearly year-long game of Get Smart into the classroom. Miss Grabill took it all in stride.) She encouraged imagination, innovation and out-of-the-box thinking before it was the thing to do. She also knew how to draw the line and yelling out of classroom windows (I did this once and had to bang her erasers for days) and misspelling words (she yanked a report I had written from being on display at parent's night because I had repeatedly misspelled the word "flies") was not tolerated.

Herb Marks - My Comp Lit professor during my freshman year of college, he loved my writing and gave me more encouragement as a writer than perhaps anyone else in my life. He always gave me A's on my papers (more often than not A-pluses and once even an A plus plus), used my writing as an example of WHAT to do, and made it clear that he thought I had talent. Despite my boyfriend's insistence that his intentions were less than honorable, he never once hit on me and even hired me to babysit his kids. Any confidence I have in my writing I put down to the seeds of encouragement Herb planted in me.

Mark Simmons - aka my husband. Mark has shown me, more than anyone else in my life, the power of unconditional love. No matter how grumpy or mean or crappy I have been to him, he has always loved me. He has also never stopped pushing me to be my best self (a trait which has often led to me being grumpy, mean or crappy). This has been a source of conflict between us (sometimes a person just needs to be their worst self, especially in the privacy of their own home), but in the end I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am the person I am today, the parent I am today and the woman I am today in large part because of my husband.

Cat Saunders - My therapist and writing mentor, Cat helped me find my voice when I had lost it along the way. She taught me that "no" is a complete sentence and gave me permission to put myself and my needs first, at least some of the time. She encouraged me to speak up for myself, to speak out about my needs, and to speak my truth, with love, in the moment, in whatever way made that possible for me. She offered me non-judgmental unconditional love and support at a time when I needed it most. I wish everyone could find their Dr. Cat.

As we move from the season of thanks-giving to the season of giving, I would like to thank all of these angels in my life for all they have given me. And I would love to hear from you about those who have helped you along the way. Who are YOUR angels?